Republicans Call Large too Big as Congress Clashes Over Bill

Congressional leaders met for what was supposed to be a non-partisan pizza party at a Washington D.C. Pizza Hut. The party quickly became deadlocked along party lines as Democrats and Republicans clashed over the bill, pork, and tipping for low income waitresses.

Republican leaders called an extra large supreme pizza “excessive” and, in light of the federal deficit, suggested budgetary restraint. Democrats cautioned they would not vote for any order that did not include wings and extra cheese.

Democrats countered the austerity plan with their own proposal, suggesting wealthier party goers should pick up the drink tab. Conservatives argued pitchers of beer purchased by the top 10% of wage earners would trickle down to less affluent diners.

Representative Nancy Pelosi (D-California) voiced her dissatisfaction with a plan that would allow individuals to purchase their own side dishes without contributing to the purchase of pizza.“This is a classic example of Republicans paying for a party on the backs of those who can least afford a meat lovers with stuffed crust.”

Representative Paul Ryan (R-Wisconsin) said he refused to attach Canadian Bacon to the bill, a move he claimed would prevent restaurants from relying on foreign meat. In addition the Senator found Democrats suggestions of bread sticks to be “preposterous,” stating the time had come to “get real about fiscal restraint.”

Democrats refused to yield any ground on plans to start a bar tab despite concerns future generations of party goers would have to foot the bill. “If we cut our bar tab now we could be looking at an even worse party than those held in the 30's,” said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Navada).

Republicans refused to extend the tip ceiling despite the bill's rapidly approaching deadline of 10 pm when the restaurant would close. Democrats claimed 15% was the minimum standard. As of press time a tea party had been suggested for a future gathering as a way to avoid the costs associated with a bloated central pizza party.

Have you ever wanted to be a porn star? We all get our start as porn extras

I was trying to decide if my porn star name should be Ben Laid or Will Lay. Thats when it all 'came' back to me...

I was born Ben Laid in 69'. At the age of 18 the FBI (Female Body Inspectors) recruited me as its lead agent on a project to 'endow' soldiers with super human 'size' and 'stamina.' But my top secret 'under covers' mission was 'blown prematurely.'

I had to go into hiding, changing my name from Ben Laid to Will Lay. While in hiding I developed a 'confidence' problem relating to my past. Now, after five years in hiding, I will be called back to 'service' my country. My mission? 'Penetrate' a military hospital, 'through the back door,' that has been 'dominated' by the super soldiers I helped create.

Once 'in side,' I will have to rescue the hospital's nurses, both naughty and nice, whose special treatment helps me 'overcum' my 'confidence' problem.

The mission could get 'messy,' and I may even have to be 'punished' for my methods, but if I succeed, I will receive a very personal 'thank you' from the first lady. All in a days work for Ben Laid. Or should I say Will Lay.

The Wink and the Wiener

I haven't written in a while because I've been too busy trying to determine if I even exist, and if so, why. When you've got problems is the best time to play philosopher. In the event your life doesn't give you any excuses to pretend nothing is real, here is a problem that might convince you the world outside of your own mind is an illusion.

Once upon a time a well timed wink was the highlight of the day. This brilliant social maneuver evolved as a simpler alternative to laying ones finger aside of ones nose (see “Twas the Night Before Christmas”). The wink got its start as a tool used by old people to prove to young people they weren't senile. When an old person would make a straight faceed joke, they would wink at someone. If they didn't wink, no one could be sure they weren't serious and therefore senile.

This simple way to let others know something strange was going on quickly spread throughout society. The most common use of the wink was as a way for suave men, and the occasional progressive woman, to let someone else know the cats in the bag, so to speak. In bars, on street corners, and in libraries, winks were the ocular pickup tool of choice.

But then things started to get out of hand. People who shouldn't have been winking, mostly the unsuave, started winking. With so much winking going on it became impossible for women to tell if the person winking at them was just a cute interested guy or some pedophile, rapist, or Democrat who had no business winking in the first place.

It should be noted that at the same time the wink was getting out of control, a large number of senile old men accidentally winked when saying something crazy. This lead to the dirty old man stereotype and the eventual deportation of thousands of old men who were actually just kidding.

National shame aside, sometime around 1965 it became unsafe for women to trust winkers despite the overwhelming number of winkings being benevolent. Today the wink is associated with creepy perverts and dirty old men, a far cry from its humble origins as a tool for reducing the ambiguity of eye contact.

Although a few roguish devil may care edge of society bloogers still attempt the odd wink, it doesn't look like the wink is coming back anytime soon. Still, this creates a bit of a market gap for the bold, suave man or women brave enough to go for the one eyed blink. But don't say I didn't warn you; women are still in the habit of macing first and asking for your number later.

Over a barrel- the story of oil in America

This bloog isn't actually about oil since I am not an expert on that topic. I just thought of that title and was hoping to inspire someone to write a book about oil so I could read it. Its a great title.

I am, however, an expert on psychology, and zombies. So this bloog is my analysis of three types of people in relation to their thoughts about zombies. You can tell a lot about a person based on how much they think about zombies. I've made a graph to help you visualize what I'm talking about. This is basically a psychological hypothisis about the correlation, not causation, between thoughts about zombies, how optimistic or pessimistic a person is, and how much a person needs to escape their reality.



As you can see from this graph I have divided people into three categories: those with low, medium, and high thoughts of zombies. This is where, if I where really doing a psychology experiment, I would operationalize those terms, review the relevant literature, explain my methods, and do the experiment.

But theres no time for that. Or funding. As you can also see from the graph, which is supposed to give validation to this theory, people with low thoughts of zombies have low levels of need to escape. This is because they are optimistic about the world. Perhaps they are happy with their lives, perhaps they are rich. Whatever the reason these people have no need to mentally escape their lives with fantasies about life changing scenarios.

Lets contrast that group with the third group. These are people who think about zombies all the time. These people are pessimistic and therefore have a high need to escape reality. These are the people who buy guns, get concealed carry permits, and pray that someone tries to rob the bank they are in.

They actually hope bad, apocalyptic things happen because they are pessimistic and want to escape, even if that means terrible things have to happen. They don't like their lives, or the world, and they want to escape. But since they are pessimistic they only focus on negative life changing scenarios like zombies. Pretty interesting huh?

Then you have the third group. These are the people who only have a moderate need to escape reality because they are neither completely optimistic or pessimistic. They think about zombies because it provides an escape fantasy, but they don't hyper focus on it. They think about positive escape fantasies, such as winning the lottery, as well.

It would be pretty easy to test this theories out and then make up some bs why its important, but you don't have to take my word for it. Ask your friends how much they know about zombies and if they can tell you the difference between Dawn of the Dead Zombies (which never die unless you kill them) and 28 days later zombies (which will starve to death in a few weeks if they don't feed) you can bet they will be pessimistic and at least a little unhappy with their lives. You don't find to many rich doctors spending all day thinking about what they would do if the world ended.

So I hope that helps you understand what psychologists do and what you can tell about a person based on their thoughts about zombies. Now if I only new what it means if a person thinks about how much people think about zombies.

I know why people don't vote anymore

I was in Indiana for Easter and I found the place pleasantly quiet and unassuming with lovely people and calm rolling country side. But apparently it wasn't always like this. The Indians used to be wild and crazy drunks who would throw a party at the drop of a hat and do anything for a laugh. How do I know this? They have banned the sale of alcohol on election days, thats how.

Its easy to imagine how it happened. For years and years candidates would invite their friends, and anyone who wanted to have a good time, to a raucous party. With all the booze paid for by the candidates, everyone got rip roaring drunk. Then once everyone was in high spirits, the good Indianians would follow their "party" leader down to the polling place.

For years this system worked and for years everyone was happy. The citizens knew that they where getting good representatives because they knew the people they voted for understood them. A couple of shots, some fried chicken, what else does an Indianian need?

But then something terrible happened. In the infamous election of 1889, the party got out of hand and the only people who where sober enough to make it to the polling place where the jackasses who nobody liked. Upon sobering up the good people of Indiana realized their mistake- they had let a bunch of asses into power! To prevent such a terrible mistake from happening again, they vowed to never drink on election day again.

While every school child in Indiana could tell you this story, the effects of the election of 1889, or the moonshine landslide of 89, as the locals remember it, are relatively unknown in the rest of the country. Ignorance has not, however, shielded us from the negative effect of that one drunken election. Since their victory all those years ago it seems that the asses have never left power.

Some attribute the sad state of public affairs to the two party system, others to apathy among the young people. But my trip to Indiana has taught me the truth. It used to be that only the fun loving, whiskey drinking, Banjo toting American's where the ones to vote. It was fun! Everybody got loaded on the candidates dime, talked a little politics, and then people voted.

But when the people of Indiana decided to quit drinking on election day all the fun of voting was taken away. After they vowed to stop drinking, the good down to earth Indianianians didn't really see the point in showing up to vote. The politicians stopped spending their money on beer and started spending it on campaign ads.

As campaign ads got more expensive with the advent of Radio and TV, the politicians became beholden to the special interests that paid for their campaigns instead of the beer drinking Americans who used to show up for the party.

Without the voting party, the focus has shifted away from the hard working hard playing American's who used to vote great American's into office. Instead we have a bunch of corporations, special interests, and billionaires paying for weak tit American's to take office. Its time to bring the fun back to politics- let those Indianianianians have a drink on election day!

If your too dumb to know this is a sham, your hired!

I've been self unemployed for a few months now and the job market for sarcastic, self aware writers with liberal arts degrees is about as hot as Eskimo boogers. After being turned down as a waiter in Alaska, at a restaurant specializing in Eskimo boogers, I was feeling pretty low. Just when I thought things couldn't get any worse, I was hired as a customer service representative, for a leading company!, and things got much worse.

Things started with an application and an interview that went well enough, and within a couple of hours I was hired and invited to come to a 3 day paid training after which I would immediately start work! Sweet deal I though, and so I asked what I would be assisting the customer with and I was informed that the product was featured in Epcots home of the future!

So this morning I showed up to training wearing my borrowed tie which I had spent all morning learning how to tie. The 4 hour training session got off to an exciting start. I learned I would be assisting customers by taking vacuum cleaners to their homes and demonstrating how to use them.

Wait, what?

Thats right! Vacuum cleaners will be in the home of the future. But not just any vacuum. This baby can blow up balloons, buff your car, unclog your drains, clean your dog, massage your head, soap your carpet, clean your mattress, and tutor your kids in math. It does things you didn't even know you know you needed to do.

Needless to say I learned I need one of these vacuum cleaners. And if I, a crude, wild stallion of a man boy who lives in a truck could see the need for one of these babies, then how easy would it be to sell these suckers to people who lived in houses?

After hearing more details about the product I was convinced every homeowner needs a Sentria. But as the training wore on, I started to realize the company might not be the best place to work. Here's a short list of the things that tipped me off:

1. They told me I would be paid for the training but 4 hours into the training I was asked to sign a form stating I agreed not to be paid for the training.
2. I was a customer service rep, not a sales person, but I would be paid on commission.
3. We where told we would be reimbursed for our fuel costs. But half way through the first day it became clear we would be reimbursed by the government, in the form of tax rebates, and mysterious bonuses which would be given out based on subjective criteria.
4. I was told I wouldn't have to find my own sales, that the company would only send us to homes that where per-approved and who had requested a demonstration. But, before we could start, we would have to find 4 people to demonstrate the product to and here is what to say to sales you find.
5. Everyone at the training was hired! But if some of us didn't find enough people to demonstrate the vacuum cleaner to, we might not be hired.
6. We had more applications than we could handle, said the instructor. We selected you because we like you. But if you could refer people to us we will give you money, and some of it will be the money of the person you referred.
7. We stand behind our product so we don't mind if people try it out. But don't tell them its made by Kirby, just tell them its the new Sentria.
8. Here is a list of the types of people to set up appointments with (I've simplified the list): People with money.
9. Here is a list of the types of people not to set up appointments with: Poor people, disabled people, young people.
10. You can all become managers and we have relatively few managers

After 4 hours of training, my brain, which process facts with the dual motor power of a Sentria, was realizing this company was pretty shady.

While they didn't bring me in as an employee, they did bring me in as customer. I took advantage of their financing and for only 36 payments of 79.95 I've brought the Sentria home! Well, not technically home, because I live in my car and am unemployed. But when I do get a place I'm going to be able to shampoo my carpets in as little as 20 minutes per room! Did you know sand is the number one destroyer of carpets and the Sentria has the suction power to remove course sand from your carpet?

Its too bad that this company wasn't more up front with me, I really do love the Sentria. When was the last time you vacuumed your bed? The Sentria can reach over 12 inches down into your mattress to remove the dust mites and dead skin particles that are the leading cause of difficult breathing for sleepers! If only finding a good job that doesn't take advantage of people where as easy as removing grime from tile floors with the Sentria. Did I mention it makes cleaning ceiling fans a breeze?

The fallacy of the shart

Kids today have no work ethic, no respect for their elders, and think the Four Seasons is a hotel. Some blaim rap music, some blaim the media, some blaim poor spelling. I have a different explaination. I blame the shart (SHART- A fart that expells shit into your pants).

When I was a kid, pooping your pants was an embarassing reminder that you were a dumbass. It built character! Today's parents want to protect their kids, they want to coddle them. "It's ok honey buns, you did't crap your self, it was just a little shart! My little cutie pooty can grow up to be anything he wants!" What load of shit.

By telling our kids that they can do no wrong, that their shit doesn't stink if you will, we have helped to create a generation that doesn't deal with reality. If there isn't enough money, we get another credit card or refinance. When we don't like the jobs that are availible we go on welfare. American's have gained a nasty habit of hiding from the crappy truth so they can hold onto an unsustainable standard of living. It stinks.

Hiding from our National debt by raising the debt ceiling or shuffling money around so we can afford a war in Libya is as stupid as pooping your pants and calling it a shart. You're full of crap whether you admit it or not.

You wouldn't catch a Vietnam vet or someone who lived through the great depression with huge credit card debt or forgetting to vote and you won't catch them sharting either. They know when they've crapped themselves and they stand up, take responsibility, and change their drawers.

Thats how it used to be done and its time we started calling a spade a spade. Lets get one thing clear. If you have poop in your pants, you crapped your pants. Renaming our problems only postpones the inevitable and believe me, the longer you wait to deal with crap, the worse it smells.

Adventure hurts

I've always been impressed by adventure movies. The idea that there is Indian gold buried out there, or Ghost towns, or secret Islands. When I was younger I really believed I could have those kinds of action packed trips full of danger and intrigue. Then, as I got older, I started to think I would have to wait for the right time, for everything to be perfect before I went on a real adventure.

But then I looked around and realized that nobody was having adventures. I read a few books about people, maybe a story on the internet. Going places no one had ever gone, making discoveries, stealing from Indians, it all started to seem unattainable. Thats when I got frustrated and said screw this, I'm moving into my truck.

Ever since then I've had some amazing adventures. Danger, intrigue, love, bears, oceans, waterfalls, abandoned gold mines, angry Asian waiters, tracking a human through the desert, pretty much everything except Indian gold. And they tell me the Indian Gold is protected by a curse, and a barb wire fence, so you pretty much have to just get lucky for that one anyway.

The key to starting all these adventures was not waiting for things to be perfect. You just have to do it asap because if you don't you will be dead before you get a chance. Thats the easy part. Don't wait until you have enough money, don't wait until your schedule clears up, don't wait until your health insurance kicks in. There won't be any rescue where your going anyway.

Before I became a full time adventurer, I wondered why most people never go for their dreams. It took me about five minutes of living in a truck to figure it out. Adventure hurts. Alot. You are going to be uncomfortable for the entire time. They always show Indian Jones ripping off some third world culture, but they never show the recovery time he needs after getting punched in the mouth.

Adventure means walking long distances with cactus spines stuck in your feet. The food isn't very good you can't sleep. You are going to worry and you will miss some bills because you had no internet. It sucks and it gets frustrating.

The physical pain and emotional stress of adventure is just too big of an obstacle for most people to overcome. But for some of us, having the bills paid and a steady paycheck won't cut it. You start to get an itch on the back of your head and you get uncomfortable being comfortable.

I'm hoping that my itch settles down pretty soon so I can start enjoying some stability. But for now I'm going to keep living on the run; if I don't, I won't be able to watch adventure movies when I'm older without crying.

Forgive but punish part deux

If you read my last blog you know that one of my tires was recently slashed. If you read this blog you will know that there where still further consequences of that slashing.

After my tire was slashed I changed it out for a spare so I could take the flat one in and have it fixed. This was considerably more difficult than usual due to some rust and labor problems. But, from the comfort of my driveway and with all my tools, I was able to change the tire.

When I went in to get the new tire they checked my spare and found it was rather flat so they pumped it back up to perfection. This is where my last blog ended.

So yesterday I was driving through Death Valley. The valley is so named because it is a tough place. The hottest temperature in the western hemisphere was recorded there at 134 degrees (136 is the world record), the lowest spot in America is there (286 feet below sea level), and there is no water but tons of salt. It looks like the moon.

So naturally I was driving off road in the middle of the most inhospitable place in North America and I bet you can guess what happened. I got a flat tire.

I got out of the car and changed the tire with only a couple of hang ups, most of which I had already faced when I changed my slashed tire. I put on my spare with the confidence knowing that it had been checked and pumped up just a few weeks before.

Then I drove 240 miles to safety (Death valley is pretty Isolated).

When I was laying on my back in the dry cracked dirt of Death Vally working on the tire, you can be sure I was thankful I had practiced 2 weeks before and that my spare was now in tip top shape. My anger at having a slashed tire was a distant memory.

I'm not saying that having my tire slashed was a good thing. In fact, its possible that had my tire not been slashed I would never have gotten a flat at all (it wasn't the new tire that popped). I'm just saying its important to check the air pressure on your spare tire.

Forgive but punish

As a happy go lucky chap, its not too often that terrible things happen to me for no reason. I'm healthy, educated, good at poker, read fast, you get the idea. So when, out of the blue, I got smacked in the balls I figured the matter deserved further blooging (i.e. out of the blue balls).

Last night someone slashed my tire. I live in crappy Utah so I should have expected it, but let me just give a run down of what that meant for me. I was supposed to be at class at 11 am. I spent an hour changing the tire instead, then went to the tire place, where the informed me it would cost 12 dollars to patch it. No biggy, I figured I would get some reading done, and I can get alot of reading done in the time it takes to change a tire.

But then the tire guy comes back and says my tire was slashed, and shows me the knife hole. He can't patch it so it will cost 140 dollars for a new tire (I have good tires, another blessing). So now I am going to get a ton of reading done, but I have to realize someone did this to harm me, it wasn't just Utah's crappy roads.

This means that I am out 140 bucks and now I am writing this worrying that someone is outside slashing more of my tires. Maybe they aren't, maybe it was some kids just messing around. But if its not I could have $550ish in new tires to by (better at reading than math).

So, for no reason I can discern, as I have no natural enemies (not unlike a polar bear), I am out a bunch of money, time, missed my class, and now I have to worry. Some evil person just caused alot of pain for no reason.

My first instinct is to catch the person and kill them. I know that sounds rash, and the punishment doesn't fit the crime, but I can't help it. When someone wrongs you in an evil way, for no good reason, you spend at least a moment wanting to kill them.

But then I remember that its lent, and I'm supposed to be a Christian. A priest would tell me this is an opportunity to turn the other cheek, to bless my enemy. So I tried it. I imagined myself hiding in the bushes, shotgun in hand, the guy coming back, and me walking up and saying something like "I forgive you," and then turning the other tire.

It is unlikely that I will spend the night in the bushes, most likely I will curl up with a book and do some speed reading. But what about my desire for vengeance? For retribution? Its very real and I'm not sure it will go away.

I want to conclude that you can forgive someone and still hold them accountable. That justice is giving someone what they deserve but not enjoying it. Is it possible to forgive someone for doing something evil to you and still punish them for it?

I think that is what Christians who support the death penalty are saying, that justice and forgiveness are not mutually exclusive on earth. But I don't think Jesus meant for true forgiveness to include punishment.

That leaves me feeling pretty hollow. I want to shoot the ones we catch to make up for all the slashers that get away. I guess figuring out how to hold people accountable while forgiving them is beyond my grasp. At least I can read good.

If I ran an airport (and the world)

This is my first guest column written by Erin Carpenter. Although written in a slightly more calm, logical tone, it still gets the message across. Enjoy.

If I ran an airport, there would be a separate space for the motorized carts that take passengers to their gates to drive through. There is little at an airport than bothers me more (although I will touch on a few things in a minute) than hearing an annoyed, borderline angry, “Excuse the cart!”, sometimes accompanied by a horn honk or some other attention-getter, forcing travelers of all sorts to delay their progress to allow these carts to pass.

The way I see it, we are all trying to get to our gates as efficiently as possible. These carts serve one, albeit noble, purpose: to assist those passengers who have mobility restrictions to their gates. These passengers should have the opportunity to receive this assistance, but it does not mean they have the right to get to their gates faster than the rest of us. We are all trying to make our way to our destination. I can’t very well push my way through a busy ATL terminal, for example, shouting “Excuse the ERIN!” and expect everyone to step aside and allow me swift travel to my destination (although I haven’t tried this yet…).

Anyway, I do realize that it would be a bit cumbersome to inch through a thick crowd of people in one of these carts (like the rest of us have to do on foot), therefore if I ran an airport there would be a separate space for these motorized carts to drive through, allowing people the assistance they need, and all travelers equal opportunity to travel efficiently.

As I mentioned, there is little that bothers me at an airport more than the angry, entitled motorized carts, but there are a few things that come close. One is gate-crowders. These are the folks that as soon as the gate makes any sort of announcement, usually that boarding will begin soon (not now), they immediately begin to crowd the boarding area, forming a tight bunch around the gate.

The issue I have is that these people are not boarding the plane anytime soon, and in fact other people are boarding before them, and yet they pay no attention whatsoever. They even act sort of annoyed or inconvenienced as other passengers, like me, have to bob and weave through them in order to rightfully board the plane at our appointed time.

The underlying train of thought in these heads, as well as the angry cart drivers’ appears to me to be the same, I matter more than you. Who do you think you are? Well, I am a traveler just like you; the difference is that I am aware of the big picture here and acknowledge everyone’s desire to travel in an efficient way. I seek to move through a crowd and allow others around me to also. I wait in an open, distanced space until I am called to board my flight so that others may also travel efficiently. It’s about looking out for others as well as yourself, because we all matter.

The gate-crowders do not disappear once they board their flights, unfortunately. They rear their ugly heads again at the baggage carousels. They are the folks who step right in front of you as you patiently wait at a reasonable distance from the carousel, and remain there as if you do not exist, or probably more accurately, as if you do not matter.

They sidle in front, in any small gap, as though they are the only ones who have luggage to claim. And they do this, much like they do at the boarding gate, extremely prematurely, only creating a wall of sorts, preventing everyone else who needs to claim their luggage from even seeing their luggage, let alone claiming it easily. But then again, that doesn’t matter to these people; only they matter.

If everyone would take a few steps back, acknowledge the entire flight of travelers around them, and wait patiently and respectfully until they see their own luggage, then step forward to claim it, everyone could complete this process easily.

So, you see, my issue is this: too many people these days only care about themselves. There is no awareness of what is going on around them, because to them, none of that matters, only they matter. Because I am traveling almost non-stop these days, I see this mindset manifest itself in airports around the country and around the world, but it is the principle of it that bothers me.

Therefore, if I ran an airport, there would be a separate space for the motorized carts to drive in. And if I ran the world, gate-crowders would not be allowed to board their flights, now it is they who do not matter. With any luck, the baggage carousel thing would solve itself with the previous restriction on boarding, and sooner or later, if their parents still don’t teach them growing up, people will learn that others really do matter. Maybe then people will start to show a little respect for one another, and we can all travel (drive, speak, shop, etc.) in peace.

A big hug and thanks to Fishface-Wingman-Bridgerider for the opportunity to write this entry. Until next time!

Pie is better than Cake. Period.

As you can see from the title Pie is better than Cake. I'll make this short and sweet, like Pie. Or wait, no I won't, I'll make it long and detailed so this debate can finally be settled once and for all. I just wanted to use that short and sweet joke as a catchy intro like we learned in high school English.

Let me define some terms of discussion. I'm not saying its impossible for an individual to like cake more than pie. Some people do. Some people also like to put their penises into the suction holes in hot tubs.

Most cake tastes like shit. This is why you get birthday cake once a year and pie at Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving, The 4th of July, or whenever you go out to eat. Ever heard of a Thanksgiving cake? No. Its pie, and here's why.

For cake to taste good you have to put in tons of work and buy expensive ingredients. I have only had one or two pieces of cake in my entire life that tasted good and that was at weddings where people spend thousands of dollars on the cake. And I was drunk, which is the only way to get me to eat cake. Come to think of it those good tasting cakes may have been pies.

So expensive cake might taste good, but the same goes for pie. Dollar for dollar you just get more bang for your buck with pie. Some of you might be saying, what about ice cream cake? What about cheesecake?

Well here is what I have to say about that. Ice cream cake is delicious. But would ice cream pie not taste better? People get ice cream cake because normal cake tastes like shit and since they don't want to have to feel bad about throwing out all of the left overs, they get ice cream and call it cake. I say we start calling it ice cream pie.

Onto cheesecake. Semantics. As a fanatical anti-Semite I refuse to let cheese cake be labeled as cake. It has a crust, o, wait, thats what anti-Semite means? I mean I am against semantics. Anti-semantics. Whatever. Cheese cake has a crust, like pie. In fact cheesecake is a misgnomer. There is nothing cake like about it! I mean, cheese? Really? People put cheese in Pies and on, o, wait, thats what misgnomer means? I mean its a misnomer. Anyway.

Quick, name 5 types of cake other than cheesecake and and ice cream cake. You can't, can you? Now name five pies. Apple, pumpkin, rhubarb, blueberry, pecan, key lime, banana cream, peach, I mean, its easy! Would you rather have some shitty cake or a piece of pie from that list? If you said shitty cake go put you penis in the suction hole of a hot tub. Idiot.

My Generation- Cinema Realists

I've been giving some thought lately to how I define myself and if there might be other people like me. I've concluded I belong to a certain group, every generation has them. My group sees themselves as living in a movie. We don't actually live in a movie, although we might, but we live our lives as if we did. Let me explain what this looks like.

When I dressed in the morning I'm thinking about how what I wear will effect me should I run into a Zombie outbreak, or a bank robbery, or I get transported to the Jungle, or I'm suddenly promoted to CEO of Walmart because I look just like him and he is in a coma and they don't want to scare the investors.

So what do I wear for this? Something I can run in, something I can fight in, something with pockets, but also something that would look good should I have to impress the girl I just rescued from a bar fight and wants to run away to Mexico with me.

In the movies there are no wasted scenes and any segments that don't go smoothly don't go smoothly on purpose. People like me have a hard time wasting time and we will go out of our way to flow through parts of our day, even if just for a few moments.

I was once a server and there was a station where we would bring our trays to clear them. On the wall opposite that station was a shelve where we put bread baskets. Every time I went to clear my tray I would throw the bread basket over my head, missing the shelf 99% of the time. Then one day I made it just as a new busser walked into the room. She couldn't believe I had done it and I felt like I was in a movie.

Do you try and use the force to open doors or stop objects that are about to fall? Do you love going to the grocery store just so you can use the force to open the door? If you do you are living your life like a movie star.

When I get into an elevator I always get the feeling that I am being chased. Therefore I hit the close button over and over. I do this even when someone across the room yells "hold the elevator." In fact I prefer to have someone trying to make the elevator, it makes it that much more real. If they don't make it I just lived a movie scene and got away from a Terminator. If they make it my life changes to a comedy as they glare at me for not holding the elevator.

While living your life this way manifests itself in seemingly meaningless ways, like zig zagging to avoid a sniper bullet, it does give your life a sense of purpose. Movies are all about people who matter, people who might not seem significant but actually make a big difference. Live this way and you will constantly be ready to act, to do something important even if you are not important.

Most times you will have to make your own movies, but every once in a while you will be prepared to say something hilarious, or help someone, or sweep a woman off her feet, and then the movie becomes real.

People with a sense of the grandeur and awesomeness of life watch movies and think, thats me, that could be real if we all lived that way. From an early age we watch the movies, we love finding real life situations that can be elevated to movie status, and we look for people like us.

People say to live like nobodys watching. I think that makes your life meaningless and boring; people don't watch boring movies. Your life is worth watching, you just have to live like you don't care that some people don't like the script. Try it, you might have more fans than you think.

Want to turn me off? Athletic Shoes Vs. Sneakers

Have you ever thought about what the most unattractive thing you could do would be? Me neither, which is why I am shocked to find out how many ugly smelly horse faced women wear sneakers. I know what your thinking, is it the sneakers that make them unattractive or are they unattractive because they wear sneakers? The answer is both- for some reason unattractive women love to wear sneakers and attractive women who wear sneakers become as ugly as the inside of a turd.

Your probably wondering what I mean when i say sneakers. So I've included a couple of pictures, its ok, there are no ugly ass women attached by their feet, the sneakers don't actually look that bad.


Figure 1. Standard sneakers worn by fish faced, droopy, smelly, unfun women.


I've also included a picture of what women look like who wear these shoes.


Figure 2. If you look like this you most likely wear sneakers. If you look better than this and start wearing sneakers, you will end up looking like this.


I'm not sure exactly why these shoes are so unattractive, but I'm pretty sure its because of the message they send. Sneakers say, "I don't give a fuck about my appearance, I don't move fast, I have no class, I'm fat and getting fatter, I like to nag, I have hair on my toes, and I don't know how to buy a real shoe or clean my ass crack." I think it has something to do with that. Make sure not to confuse sneakers with converse all stars or similar high top shoes that look like sneakers on the bottom. I've never seen a girl wear these, that would probably be hot if someone would just try it. Anyway...

While sneakers say "I'm dumb but still like to talk, I'm super loud, I can't cook, I think I can be eclectic and define myself with these cheap useless goat hoof shoes," there are several other types of shoes that make women hot.

Lets start with athletic shoes. I'll give you a multiple choice question so you can guess what this woman is wearing on her feet.


What are on her feet?
A. Sneakers
B. Athletic Shoes


The correct answer is b. You could have gotten to this answer in two ways. The first is that ugly hello kitty wearing unshaven women wear sneakers. The second way to get this answer would be to know that exercise requires athletic shoes and tennis is a form of exercise.

Thats right, athletic shoes on a girl give a very different message than sneakers. they say I can afford 60$ shoes that don't come from a hobo store, and I take care of my body. I am capable of working out. In case you are still wondering this is what athletic shoes look like.


Hot girl shoes


Athletic shoes say you are willing to try. Sneakers say this:

Notice it is wearing something closer to sneakers. Just because you play tennis doesn't mean you are hot, its the shoes.


So lets recap.


Sneakers


+


Girls Feet


=

Not attractive.


but....


Athletic shoe


+


Girls feet


=


Super hot


Can I be more clear?

Travel Agent suggests this is the best time in years to visit Egypt

According to Gusty Winds, fares for everything from Lodging to Plane tickets are at their lowest price in decades. Winds has been telling potential travelers all week that he would go to Egypt right now if he could. "Tons of people are canceling their flights and passing the savings on to you. Tours, hotels, everything, its practically free!" While Gusty couldn't explain the sudden drop in fares he said it is a Godsend for anyone who wants to the historic land of the Nile, Pyramids, and Pharaohs. "I can't think of a reason not to go to Egypt!" Package deals at Easy Access Inc, where Gusty is an agent, are going for less than 350$ with round trip airfare, 5 nights lodging, and 250 cannisters of tear gas included. "I know it seems strange but when deals like this come along we like to pass the savings on to our customers. Who doesn't like savings?"

Cortez- So badass you can't even spell his name in English

Want to know who the most badass person in all of history was? Hernan Cortes. Thats right. Technically thats not even his name, there are little lines over the a and e in his name signifying a man who cannot be contained by mere English. What follows is the story of the Hernaninator's life, which was basically one badass event after another (not to plagiarize I got all these sweet facts about his life from the book History's Greatest Lies by William Weir pages 78-97).

Hernan lady killer Cortes, as he was know to his friends, started life with a wet nurse. That means he was sucking strange tits before most people could walk. What a badass.

By 14 HC went to the University of Salamanca when most of his friends were still playing with Pokemon Cards and trying to figure out what to do with their first boners. Badass.

By age 16 he had finished with college and was all set to go to the New World, just for the hell of it. But then he fell out of a window after banging some married woman. I'm sure it made for one bad ass story.

Not to be discouraged by physical realities, Herny the Gurney went to the America's anyway where he was immediately given slaves and land just for being the coolest guy. You can't make this next part up so I'll quote it. “Although diligent about watching his slaves work, the young man mostly spent his hours drinking, gambling, and pursuing Indian Women (Weir, 82)” Holy shit.

When he got tired of doing whatever he wanted, Cortez became a soldier and helped conquer Hispaniola and Cuba. No big deal. Along the way he got promoted about a dozen times until he was a mayor or some important shit. Sweet balls.

By this point C dog had a kid with some Indian chick and was in jail because he had been fooling around with the Governor’s sister in law but wouldn't commit. Typical. So he finally married the brawd so he could get out of the slammer. Too bad for her he decided to leave right away. Sorry baby.

Hernan big balls Cortez quickly cashed in on all the sweet gold mines and stuff he owned and got a fleet together to go to Mexico and find some new babes and cash money. When the Governor told him he couldn't go he pretended not to hear him. When the guy met him at the dock Hernan said, “oooo, you meant THAT Mexico? Well to late, I'm ready now. Are you sure I can't go?” The Governor was about to answer but Cortez didn't give him time, he just jumped on his boat and left. So cool.

By the time he got out of Cuba pretty much everyone had joined up with him. 50% of the Spanish males in the area in fact (Weir 84). He got to Mexico, picking up tons of rowdy fun loving dudes on the way, and was promptly given a bunch of sexy slave women who were mostly pregnant with in a couple of hours. When the locals got angry he had taken so many slaves he just fired his canon and scared the shit out of them. Ha.

Then he asked this city of 100,000 people to give him some food and water and probably a cold one and they were like, fuck you. It was his 390 men and 100 slaves vs. 100,000 Thlaxcalans. He promptly whooped their asses and they gave him the beer he wanted and decided to join his party brigade. That is one badass mother.

So now he went to another city and wanted more food and water and they were like, ummmm, maybe later. And so he got all their leaders together and gave a big speech, after which the Thlaxcalans went ahead and killed about 3,000 of them. Cortez was like, “o, there go those Thlaxcalans again, you should have just given us some dinner.” Hernan 2, people not giving him what he wants, 0.

So now everyone in Mexico was on his nuts and the Aztecs started sending him gold and sweet feathers. I'm guessing, and this is just a guess, he used those feathers to tickle the breasts of hotties. By the time he got to the Aztecs their King, Montezuma, gave up without a fight and the Aztec city of gold was his. Bingo.

But then the pissed off Spanish sent 600 men to Mexico to capture Cortez and replace him. So Hernan snuck up on their leader, put him in jail, punched a few noses, and then recruited all the men who were supposed to be arresting him into his own army. This guy does whatever he wants!

But while he was gone some lesser men accidentally killed 10,000 Aztecs and the city went on a rampage. So, new friends in tow, he ran back to deal with it. It turned out a couple of hundred guys isn't enough to control hundreds of thousands of angry Aztecs. Or is it?

Hernan was like, I'm out of here, and ditched the Aztecs. Or so they thought. He gathered up some Indian friends, let those friends eat/sacrifice anyone who didn't want to come along, and came back to deal with the Aztecs. By the time he got there everyone had small pocks and he waltzed in, kicked some ass, and took the new emperor captive. Mission accomplished.

And thats the story of the greatest bad ass in all of history. You might not like him, you might hate his methods, you might have to go to court to try and get child support, but man, what a bad ass.

Recycling. I don't and neither should you.

I don't recycle and I resent the fact people want to make me do it. You could view what follows as an elaborate series of justifications for my lazy, deviant behavior. But if you view it that way, you still have to prove me wrong before I start recycling. So here is a list of things the State or Tree Huggers or whomever would have to clear up before I start recycling.

First I need to know that recycling and other environmental efforts at reducing energy consumption do more good than harm. The Government is constantly working to mandate those shitty spiral bulbs that last a long time and use less energy. But they are filled with mercury, so much mercury that a broken bulb can force the evacuation of a house.

Is saving electricity worth the cost of dealing with the mercury? Not to mention those bulbs suck, they give off crappy light. The human cost of dealing with poor lighting seems to outweigh marginal environmental gains. Don't infringe on my freedom by trying to force me to use certain products. If the bulbs save money I'll buy them if they are worth the cost. Right now, they aren't.

I refuse to recycle paper until someone explains to me why we shouldn't be making as much paper as possible. Making paper is good for the economy, I'm talking jobs and capital all over the place. I don't believe in the Theory of Global Warming, thats a different column, but if you do, it would behoove you to use as much paper as possible. Every tree you cut down is replaced by another tree, and as that new tree grows it takes in more Carbon Dioxide. An older tree, the type harvested for paper, has already taken in most of the carbon required for its life cycle. Sure, making paper has an environmental cost in terms of pollution, but so does recycling.

I read a sign that said it takes a million years for glass to decompose in a landfill so we should recycle. You know what takes longer than glass to decompose? Sand. In fact, I don't think sand decomposes, it just becomes smaller sand. I don't see the problem in turning as much sand as we want into glass and then having a bunch of glass sitting around instead of a bunch of sand.

The same goes for any product. Before you ask me to recycle something, presumably to keep it out of a land fill or to reduce the costs, both environmental and economic, of making a new one, you need to convince me its worth it. There is no intrinsic value in recycling, especially since it takes work for the individual to recycle as well as money and effort to set up the process. It doesn't matter if we have a ton of raw materials sitting someplace or a ton of manufactured products sitting somewhere else.

Recycling has a negative impact on human invention as well. If we keep recycling everything there is no incentive, or at least delayed incentive, to come up with solutions for used up resources or overflowing landfills. Recycling will delay the necessity of dealing with these problems, but whether we recycle or not is immaterial. We will find new solutions for trash regardless of what I do with the crap I use in my daily life. If we run out of something, whatever it may be, we will just find ways to survive without it.

Recycling is societies reaction to fears about resource depletion and environmental costs. But recycling creates just as many problems, not the least of which is wasted human effort. Recycling simply delays the natural adaptations humanity undergoes as our environment changes. I'm willing to adapt to used up resources by thinking of alternatives, but I'm not willing to recycle just because someone tells me to.

I will admit that some recycling could be worthwhile. But nobody bothers to tell us why its worthwhile, they just skip that step and jump right to forcing us to do it. Not acceptable, not effective.

I represent the apathetic public who isn't scared of change. We are willing to adapt when we have to, but we aren't going to install shitty light bulbs and expend tons of effort recycling just to put off adaption. Go ahead, convince us we are are wrong. Until then we are going to keep using as much of the commons as we can.

Man love and why the feminists are ruining it

Do you love your friends? I do. And I tell them. Not, “I love you man,” or “Man, I love getting wasted with you.” I say, “I love you.” Thats it, and I really do. But I don't think many men feel the same way I do. Or maybe they do, but they can only admit it by slapping each others butts.

I truly believe loving man relationships are a good thing. I dare you to watch Band of Brothers or We Were Soldiers and tell me men aren't meant to care deeply about each other. Now if those damn feminists would just shut the hell up.

Here's the problem. Man Love is wonderful, but it is dieing out. I had a college professor who told me that in the 19th century (thats the a confusing way of saying the 1800's) men had deep, brotherly, abiding, love relationships and it wasn't faggy.

But then along comes the 20th century and poof, men are gay for loving each other and we start punching each other in the ass and making each other look at our balls. Its as if we have turned Man Love on its head. I don't love you, I want to make you look gay and then call you gay to prove we are not in love. How did this happen? Feminists.

And I'm not talking about Women's right to vote, or to learn how to read, I can argue against that until I'm blue in the balls. What I'm talking about is this extreme branch of feminists, Limbaugh calls them feminazi's, who believe that Women should not only have the same rights as men, they should be the same as men.

The same? Yes thats right, they believe Women should be firefighters and if they can't pass the tests we should make the tests easier. They don't believe there are some things men are naturally better at than women and vice versa. Instead of recognizing that Women have gifts that men don't and embracing those gifts while respecting that men are different and good at some things which Women are not, these Feminists want Women to be the same as Men.

As Women start to take on traditional male roles and attributes, Men's identities are being displaced. Men are no longer able to embrace their unique manliness and the gifts that come with it while appreciating and respecting the differences and gifts of the fairer sex.

And so radical feminists continue extending the definition of what it means to be a women so it encompasses what it means to be a man. This forces men to their own version of extremism. Men everywhere are either surrendering their manhood and swallowing the breast milk of the Feminazis, or they are taking their manliness to the extreme in an attempt to recapture their masculinity. Fist fights, body image issues, drinking like a fish, pursuing only money or material things, and beating your wife are all examples of manliness pushed to the extreme.

This is how Man Love is being lost. Man Love is a natural and healthy part of the male identity, but men who succumb to the idea that we are the same as Women can't have Man Love with out being gay, and Men pushed to the extreme's of manliness can't have Man Love without feeling gay.

Only a man with a healthy sense of his masculinity is capable of having deep friendships with other men that go beyond being just friends. But because radical feminism refuses to accept that the differences between men and women are beautiful, Man Love is quickly becoming a thing of the past.

I'm on the five year plan

For those of you who don't know me very well, my life is a little different. I graduated from college last May and then things got interesting. If you do know me, skip the next paragraph and get right to the conflict.

I moved into my truck, spent some alone time in Canada where I faced a bear, learned to talk dirty in French in New Brunswick, lived with a band in Boston, spent a week hob nobbing in Cape Cod, learned to sail on the Chesapeake bay, caught some sharks in Florida, went to Europe for 2 months, moved back into my truck, headed West, worked at a Wilderness Therapy program where I tracked troubled youths through the desert, and now I live in Utah among the Mormons.

I am skiing every week, learning to sew, writing everyday, and studying martial arts 16 hours a week. Now here's the conflict. I began to feel guilty about my lifestyle when I spoke with my friends who got full time jobs out of college and my family members who have been working hard their whole lives. Am I just wasting time? Shouldn't I be working?

As I was having those thoughts I realized I didn't need a job, I just needed to redefine the problem. Society tells me that things like learning to cook potato pancakes and spending a winter skiing are only ok if a person is making more money then they need and saving for their future.

And so I felt bad, I felt like it might be a mistake to focus all my attention on ridiculous topics; pursuits that might not make me any money. That's when I realized I had just spent four years focusing all my attention on ridiculous topics that certainly won't make me any money; its called college.

But society doesn't have a problem with millions of people wasting years of their lives and tens of thousands of dollars on College. Its actually encouraged! So now I simply equate everything I'm doing with Education and call the whole thing my fifth year in school. Most people take five years now anyway.

Under my new system two months drinking my way across Europe becomes study abroad. From what my Sister tells me thats pretty much what it is anyway. Learning to sew becomes Entrepreneurship. Anybody want some pockets? Martial Arts becomes physical education. Get the picture?

The beauty of the five year plan is that it costs just a fraction of what college does and you actually learn more. When I got to my wilderness therapy program job I couldn't use a can opener. Turns out they only work in the right hand. The point is, I'm learning more now than I did in college at a fraction of the cost and I don't have to take any classes I don't want to.

Not everyone can afford a fifth year, some people have to work. I understand that. I also understand that someday I'm going to get someone pregnant and I'll have to start working. But for now I'm not going to feel guilty about focusing on dreams instead of the reality of society.

Now if I could just drop Anthropology of Mormonism and get a beer I would feel like I was back in College again.

How to win friends (chicks) and influence (manipulate) people

I recently had to read a famous book for work. How to Win Friends and Influence People. The book mostly focused on how to win friends and influence people, and it also assumed that you give a shit. Here are some things to remember in social interactions when you in fact, do not, give said shit.

These 10 guidelines will ensure you never walk away from a conversation feeling worse than the people you are talking to.

1. Always point at other peoples faces when you are making an important point. This lets them know you are serious and the visual cue helps to make sure they are paying attention. Plus, people really enjoying having a finger waved in their face.

2. Make sure to give the person you are talking to time to speak. Do this by placing your chin on your fist and periodically pointing at their face when they seem to be making a key point. Nod your head often to give the impression of attention. While they are talking you will have plenty of time to think about what you want to say next.

3. They say the eyes are the windows to the soul. Make sure not to let anyone see into your soul by avoiding eye contact. Instead, direct your gaze to the forehead of the person you are talking to. This will make them exceptionally uncomfortable, insuring a shorter conversation.

4. If you have to make eye contact, blink as often as possible.

5. When you don't have anything nice to say, its important that you say as much as possible. Keeping those negative feelings bottled up can be bad for your health.

6. If you feel your opponent is about to make a good point, stop them by saying “shhhhhhhh, you have something in your teeth.” When they ask you if they got it, say something like “no, its still there, but I wouldn't worry about it.” That should really hurt their confidence.

7. When walking away from a conversation, be sure to shake your head and call the other person an idiot under your breath.

8. Communication is 90% body language but only 10% about what you actually say. Tell this to the next women who accuses you of only looking at her tits and ass and ignoring what comes out of her mouth.

9. The thing about lying is that once you lie, you usually have to tell another lie to cover up the first one, and pretty soon you are telling one lie after another. This is great because you will never run out of things to say.

10. If you only remember one rule about social interactions make it this one: always be the loudest person in the conversation. Always.

Food Stamps- A Moral Diorama

I went to college which means I don't qualify for any jobs, but I do qualify for food stamps. Which is nice. But here's the problem. My fancy pancy college education may not have prepared me to make money, but it did prepare me to think critically about the morality of accepting said food stamps.


This has never been a problem in the past. I hate government programs, especially entitlements like socialized medicine, medicare, social security, unemployment, etc. So I have always said that, in the event that I qualified for some of those programs, I would not accept the benefits.


But here's the thing. I just found out that you can use food stamps to get Papa Murphy's Pizza. Food stamps are easy to reject when all you can get is government cheese, but Papa Murphy's pizza? Thats rich person food. I guess there is a loop hole because the pizza isn't cooked when you get it so you can use your food stamps. Sweet.


But I could actually afford to pay for the pizza, and in fact, I shouldn't be eating Papa Murphy's pizza anyway, not without a job. But the Government has offered to take money from someone else who is willing to work, and use it to buy me a Papa Murphy's Pizza.


There are two ways I could look at this. I could say, there is something fundamentally wrong with forcing someone else to buy me a Papa Murphy's Pizza, simply because I want to write and go to the gym instead of working, so I'm not going to participate.


On the other hand, I could say if some sap is going to work his ass off so I can have that Papa Murphy's Pizza he's an idiot and I should take everything I can get until somebody puts a stop to it.


And there you have it. This is the problem with entitlements. You take from those who are willing to work and give Papa Murphy's Pizza to those who are willing to cook their own pizza but not much else.


Here is where I address your objections for the sake of argument. You might say, you could work and went to college, but there are lots of people who are out of work and who would go hungry without food stamps.


Correct you are, but that doesn't answer the question of why someone like me qualifies for the same benefits. Don't create a system that lets lazy people like me get a free pizza at the expense of someone else! It is morally wrong to take from one person even if you are giving to a hungry person. Instead, create a system that encourages people to give to a hungry person, voluntarily.


When you take the money from the sucker who is willing to work, you restrict his ability to create jobs for the people on food stamps. You also restrict his ability to donate excess capital to help his community, the community he relies on for his job and income. Instead of allowing him to help his neighbors, we let him off the hook. Food stamps will help his neighbors, so instead of caring about his community, he gets pissed because he had to buy everyone pizza.


Am I going to get my food stamps? No. That would ruin my egotistical self centered logically consistent view of myself. But I might have a piece of my friends; it turns out Papa Murphy's is doing great business. Maybe I could work there.

Fighter Diary

This is a Diary of my experiences training at a Mixed Martial Arts School. I dabbled in wrestling back in middle school, but when a broken hand followed by a broken arm put me out for the season, I switched to chess and never looked back. In college I tried MMA for 2 weeks but couldn't commit to it while working and going to school. Luckily I no longer have school, or a job, and have decided to give MMA everything I have for as long as I can afford it, physically and financially.

Week One:
The gym I have chosen offers Muay Thai kick boxing, Gracie Jiu-Jitsu, Conditioning, Mixed Martial Arts, and three self defense classes focusing on defense against attackers with a gun, knife, stick, or baseball bat . I am going to as many classes as my body will let me since my membership includes as many classes as I can take.
The first week was brutal. I used to be a body builder crossed with a power lifter and I can honestly say I have never been this sore. I started class on a Tuesday and had an hour of Mixed Martial Arts, which puts together every kind of attack that is legal in the United States, and hour of conditioning in the morning. In the evening it was an hour of Muay Thai and an hour of Jiu-Jitsu. The rest of the week was basically the same, with between 2 and 4 hours of training everyday except Sunday.
This is definitely harder than college. There are so many moves to learn, and so much training for my body, I've never had to put the two together at such a fast pace. From learning how to wear my clothes, to how to go from being strangled into breaking someones arm, my brain is like a sponge. At home I am constantly seeing punch and knee combinations, submission attacks, and footwork drills in my mind.
Half way through the week I could feel my body crashing, and along with it my ability to maintain my form. Its really tough to learn when you are cut up and exhausted. But I know I have to push myself.
This week the more experienced guys are laughing at me. When I get thrown in to spar with them I don't really know much so I resort to the street fighting and brute strength tactics I've used my whole life. They keep telling me to take it easy and I am trying to change my attitude. I know in a couple of months there will be other new guys and I'll remember what it was like to know nothing about my body and how to use it as a controlled weapon.
Hopefully next week I'll start to adapt and my body will hang in there longer so my mind can learn more. Its been a draining, but enlightening week. If I can change my attitude away from brute force, I will really be able to learn something here and change my body in a way I never pictured.

Food Stamps- A Moral Diorama

I went to college which means I don't qualify for any jobs, but I do qualify for food stamps. Which is nice. But here's the problem. My fancy pancy college education may not have prepared me to make money, but it did prepare me to think critically about the morality of accepting said food stamps.


This has never been a problem in the past. I hate government programs, especially entitlements like socialized medicine, medicare, social security, unemployment, etc. So I have always said that, in the event that I qualified for some of those programs, I would not accept the benefits.


But here's the thing. I just found out that you can use food stamps to get Papa Murphy's Pizza. Food stamps are easy to reject when all you can get is government cheese, but Papa Murphy's pizza? Thats rich person food. I guess there is a loop hole because the pizza isn't cooked when you get it so you can use your food stamps. Sweet.


But I could actually afford to pay for the pizza, and in fact, I shouldn't be eating Papa Murphy's pizza anyway, not without a job. But the Government has offered to take money from someone else who is willing to work, and use it to buy me a Papa Murphy's Pizza.


There are two ways I could look at this. I could say, there is something fundamentally wrong with forcing someone else to buy me a Papa Murphy's Pizza, simply because I want to write and go to the gym instead of working, so I'm not going to participate.


On the other hand, I could say if some sap is going to work his ass off so I can have that Papa Murphy's Pizza he's an idiot and I should take everything I can get until somebody puts a stop to it.


And there you have it. This is the problem with entitlements. You take from those who are willing to work and give Papa Murphy's Pizza to those who are willing to cook their own pizza but not much else.


Here is where I address your objections for the sake of argument. You might say, you could work and went to college, but there are lots of people who are out of work and who would go hungry without food stamps.


Correct you are, but that doesn't answer the question of why someone like me qualifies for the same benefits. Don't create a system that lets lazy people like me get a free pizza at the expense of someone else! It is morally wrong to take from one person even if you are giving to a hungry person. Instead, create a system that encourages people to give to a hungry person, voluntarily.


When you take the money from the sucker who is willing to work, you restrict his ability to create jobs for the people on food stamps. You also restrict his ability to donate excess capital to help his community, the community he relies on for his job and income. Instead of allowing him to help his neighbors, we let him off the hook. Food stamps will help his neighbors, so instead of caring about his community, he gets pissed because he had to buy everyone pizza.


Am I going to get my food stamps? No. That would ruin my egotistical self centered logically consistent view of myself. But I might have a piece of my friends; it turns out Papa Murphy's is doing great business. Maybe I could work there.