Cortez- So badass you can't even spell his name in English

Want to know who the most badass person in all of history was? Hernan Cortes. Thats right. Technically thats not even his name, there are little lines over the a and e in his name signifying a man who cannot be contained by mere English. What follows is the story of the Hernaninator's life, which was basically one badass event after another (not to plagiarize I got all these sweet facts about his life from the book History's Greatest Lies by William Weir pages 78-97).

Hernan lady killer Cortes, as he was know to his friends, started life with a wet nurse. That means he was sucking strange tits before most people could walk. What a badass.

By 14 HC went to the University of Salamanca when most of his friends were still playing with Pokemon Cards and trying to figure out what to do with their first boners. Badass.

By age 16 he had finished with college and was all set to go to the New World, just for the hell of it. But then he fell out of a window after banging some married woman. I'm sure it made for one bad ass story.

Not to be discouraged by physical realities, Herny the Gurney went to the America's anyway where he was immediately given slaves and land just for being the coolest guy. You can't make this next part up so I'll quote it. “Although diligent about watching his slaves work, the young man mostly spent his hours drinking, gambling, and pursuing Indian Women (Weir, 82)” Holy shit.

When he got tired of doing whatever he wanted, Cortez became a soldier and helped conquer Hispaniola and Cuba. No big deal. Along the way he got promoted about a dozen times until he was a mayor or some important shit. Sweet balls.

By this point C dog had a kid with some Indian chick and was in jail because he had been fooling around with the Governor’s sister in law but wouldn't commit. Typical. So he finally married the brawd so he could get out of the slammer. Too bad for her he decided to leave right away. Sorry baby.

Hernan big balls Cortez quickly cashed in on all the sweet gold mines and stuff he owned and got a fleet together to go to Mexico and find some new babes and cash money. When the Governor told him he couldn't go he pretended not to hear him. When the guy met him at the dock Hernan said, “oooo, you meant THAT Mexico? Well to late, I'm ready now. Are you sure I can't go?” The Governor was about to answer but Cortez didn't give him time, he just jumped on his boat and left. So cool.

By the time he got out of Cuba pretty much everyone had joined up with him. 50% of the Spanish males in the area in fact (Weir 84). He got to Mexico, picking up tons of rowdy fun loving dudes on the way, and was promptly given a bunch of sexy slave women who were mostly pregnant with in a couple of hours. When the locals got angry he had taken so many slaves he just fired his canon and scared the shit out of them. Ha.

Then he asked this city of 100,000 people to give him some food and water and probably a cold one and they were like, fuck you. It was his 390 men and 100 slaves vs. 100,000 Thlaxcalans. He promptly whooped their asses and they gave him the beer he wanted and decided to join his party brigade. That is one badass mother.

So now he went to another city and wanted more food and water and they were like, ummmm, maybe later. And so he got all their leaders together and gave a big speech, after which the Thlaxcalans went ahead and killed about 3,000 of them. Cortez was like, “o, there go those Thlaxcalans again, you should have just given us some dinner.” Hernan 2, people not giving him what he wants, 0.

So now everyone in Mexico was on his nuts and the Aztecs started sending him gold and sweet feathers. I'm guessing, and this is just a guess, he used those feathers to tickle the breasts of hotties. By the time he got to the Aztecs their King, Montezuma, gave up without a fight and the Aztec city of gold was his. Bingo.

But then the pissed off Spanish sent 600 men to Mexico to capture Cortez and replace him. So Hernan snuck up on their leader, put him in jail, punched a few noses, and then recruited all the men who were supposed to be arresting him into his own army. This guy does whatever he wants!

But while he was gone some lesser men accidentally killed 10,000 Aztecs and the city went on a rampage. So, new friends in tow, he ran back to deal with it. It turned out a couple of hundred guys isn't enough to control hundreds of thousands of angry Aztecs. Or is it?

Hernan was like, I'm out of here, and ditched the Aztecs. Or so they thought. He gathered up some Indian friends, let those friends eat/sacrifice anyone who didn't want to come along, and came back to deal with the Aztecs. By the time he got there everyone had small pocks and he waltzed in, kicked some ass, and took the new emperor captive. Mission accomplished.

And thats the story of the greatest bad ass in all of history. You might not like him, you might hate his methods, you might have to go to court to try and get child support, but man, what a bad ass.