The Wink and the Wiener

I haven't written in a while because I've been too busy trying to determine if I even exist, and if so, why. When you've got problems is the best time to play philosopher. In the event your life doesn't give you any excuses to pretend nothing is real, here is a problem that might convince you the world outside of your own mind is an illusion.

Once upon a time a well timed wink was the highlight of the day. This brilliant social maneuver evolved as a simpler alternative to laying ones finger aside of ones nose (see “Twas the Night Before Christmas”). The wink got its start as a tool used by old people to prove to young people they weren't senile. When an old person would make a straight faceed joke, they would wink at someone. If they didn't wink, no one could be sure they weren't serious and therefore senile.

This simple way to let others know something strange was going on quickly spread throughout society. The most common use of the wink was as a way for suave men, and the occasional progressive woman, to let someone else know the cats in the bag, so to speak. In bars, on street corners, and in libraries, winks were the ocular pickup tool of choice.

But then things started to get out of hand. People who shouldn't have been winking, mostly the unsuave, started winking. With so much winking going on it became impossible for women to tell if the person winking at them was just a cute interested guy or some pedophile, rapist, or Democrat who had no business winking in the first place.

It should be noted that at the same time the wink was getting out of control, a large number of senile old men accidentally winked when saying something crazy. This lead to the dirty old man stereotype and the eventual deportation of thousands of old men who were actually just kidding.

National shame aside, sometime around 1965 it became unsafe for women to trust winkers despite the overwhelming number of winkings being benevolent. Today the wink is associated with creepy perverts and dirty old men, a far cry from its humble origins as a tool for reducing the ambiguity of eye contact.

Although a few roguish devil may care edge of society bloogers still attempt the odd wink, it doesn't look like the wink is coming back anytime soon. Still, this creates a bit of a market gap for the bold, suave man or women brave enough to go for the one eyed blink. But don't say I didn't warn you; women are still in the habit of macing first and asking for your number later.