Be open minded (to everything I want you to think)

People are always telling people to be open minded. Try new things, listen to new ideas, don't close your self off to other ways of thinking. I hate those people. They never stop to think that being open minded is just one way of living; when your open minded, you close yourself off to all the closed minded ways to live life.

For example.

Who do we think of when we think of a closed minded person? Usually a KKK member (or a Republican). So what do we do about this closed minded KKK person? We say, geez, she needs to be more open minded. If she were more open minded, she would be just like me, and she would stop being such an ignorant pig.

We do the same thing to anyone who's not as open minded as us; or in other words, to people who are different from us. But did you ever stop to consider the position of the KKK member? Why should she have to be open minded? Why aren't you considering opening up to her way of thinking?

Here's the answer. The answer is that no one is open minded, they just think people need to think and act like them. People who don't think like us are closed minded, and people who do think like us need to be open minded unless it means thinking like someone else. If that KKK member where open minded, he would see that I'm right, and he would start thinking like me.

Being open minded is only good if the ideas, values, beliefs, and actions you take can be improved. This means that we have to make judgment calls about the things we are open to. Should we be open minded to Naxism? No. Why not? Because it would be a step backwards- opening up to that set of ideas would be worse because the way we do things now is better.

The next time someone tells you to consider another idea, realize that they are really just suggesting that your way of doing things isn't good enough, or at least that it could be improved upon.

But people are uncomfortable telling others that one set of values, ideas, cultures, and ways of doing things, are better than another. So instead they tell you to be open minded. They say things like “We have to understand and be open- how do we know if we're right and their wrong? Whose to say what is better or what is worse?” I would love to punch those people in the face and say, “Whose to say whether punching someone in the face is right or wrong?”

Clearly the KKK, Nazism, Blood Letting, and Turkey Bacon are wrong. But if we are totally open minded we can't make that judgment call. Only a closed minded person has the authority to tell that KKK member that he is wrong because only closed minded people believe that they are right.

Which brings us to the point. If you really believe that you do things in a good way, that your values and beliefs and actions are strong and just, then you have no reason to be open minded. Being closed minded, for people who see themselves as right, just, or correct, is the best approach to life. Only people who don't believe there is a better way to live, or people who believe they are living poorly, have a reason to be open minded.

Now some Jack Rabbits will say my argument is weak. They will say, “We are open minded so we can sift through the bad ideas and the good ideas- we have to be open to the fact that there might be better ideas out there.” Sure. But when you find a good idea, say, not hitting people in the face, you need to stop being open minded. Being open minded is only good for bad ideas.

The danger is that a person might be mistaken in one of their values, actions, or beliefs, and, by closing their minds about a certain subject, live their lives in a shitty way. When someone tells you to be more open minded, they are really just telling you that you are wrong, and you should open up to seeing it their way. If they agreed with you they would never tell you that you had made a mistake.

And now you can see why I hate people who tell you to be open minded. “Be open minded” is just a nice fake way to say “You are wrong, I am right, come around and see it my way.” What a load of shit. Try being closed minded for a while and you will see that people who want you to be open minded are more closed minded than you are. Those people are either to cowardly to stand behind their values or they are lairs who mask their attempts at manipulation with a sugar coating of open mindedness.

The next time someone tells you to be open minded ask them if you should be open minded to heroin, Nazism, or punching people in the face. They will say no. Then you will realize that they only want you to be open minded to certain things, things that they think are better than other things. Do you trust other people to decide what is good or bad for you?

The Junk Hug: One Man's response to the boob hug

Most of my readers will fall into one of two categories: man and women. The rest of you will fall somewhere in between. For the men out there, it is highly likely that you have been the recipient of a boob hug. This wonderful creation occurs when a man and a women embrace. Unlike a normal hug between a man and women, in the boob hug, the woman presses her milk makers firmly, and lovingly, onto the man. It really is a wonderful experience.

Now the women are probably going, who, me? I never give boob hugs, my boobs might bump into a guy when I hug him, but there is no firm pressing going on. Wrong. You know exactly what you are doing. The boob hug goes so far beyond the normal hug as to become manipulative: when men receive them, we melt like butter between the ass cheeks of a fat chick.

So you can see that one sex, the female, has this distinct advantage over the other, the male. Its like a Jedi mind trick- you get a boob hug, then 10 minutes later you are picking up some chicks dry cleaning and you don't even know why.

I don't want to sound like I'm complaining, on a certain level I would eat off brand bacon for the rest of the year for a boob hug, it's that amazing. I just want to inform both sexes so that boob huggery is brought into the open. Men, know that women have another path to your heart: through the chest. And Women, know that your boob hugs are appreciated, keep them coming. In fact, consider giving out boob hugs for free, with no thought of reward. I think you could write it off on your taxes.

But here is the part I don't know anything about. Do girls give boob hugs to each other? I'm not even sure I can comprehend how that would work. I might as well ask why the sky is blue, or where bacon comes from. I can only speculate that giving a boob hug, while receiving a boob hug, is the highest level of achievement a woman can reach.

When I first started thinking about the boob hug, I did a little soul searching. I came to the conclusion that maybe I could attempt the male version of the boob hug. Last weekend I tried my very first junk hug, I could spend hours painting the picture with flowing and elegant imagery, but I think you can picture it in your mind.

The first attempt was a failure, I would not recommend the man on man junk hug. My second attempt was also a failure, I would not recommend the man on woman junk hug. For some reason millions of women can get away with the boob hug everyday, whereas I try and press my genitals onto one unsuspecting female and I'm a monster.

But I did have one bit of success with my foray into the male equivalent of the junk hug. To perform the junk hug you kind of have to lean back, whereas to perform the boob hug, you kind of have to lean in. I gave the junk hug to a girl attempting to give the boob hug and the resulting hug was so preposterous that I think it opened the womans eyes to what she was doing. Her eyes got wide, and I gave her a grin and a knowing nod. Minds were blown.

If I can change just one life with my junk hug, I know I've made a difference.

DD

dd

Song Changers- How to prevent the doomsday scenario

I've been receiving hundreds of emails asking for a blog about music, as well as requesting I stop lying about how many emails I receive. So here it is, a blog about music.

You know that feeling you get when you hear the perfect song at the perfect moment? Sometimes it happens on the radio, sometimes on your I-pod, but usually it happens when you are a total ass hat at a party and change someone's song they just picked so you can put on what you want to hear. Grrrrrr. I hate you.

Yes, I am talking about song changers. We all, in one form or another, have a desire to be song changers. Its natural to want to hear Fleetwood Mac at every party you go to. But for most of us it stops there. I don't come over to your house and turn off the play list you selected; normal people are respectful and reserve Bread (the band) for alone time. But not some of us.

Some people have the short sighted audacity to think that it is OK to watch another person pick a song, and then walk over and change that song before it is finished. This is an insult to the person who picked the song. By doing this, a person is effectively saying, I am more important than you and I can't be bothered to wait 4 minutes and 50 seconds for “I tried”by Bone Thugs N' Harmony to finish before I put on “I know You Want Me” by Pitbull.

So obviously these obnoxious song changers are dumb. But not only are they dumb, they are also stupid. These people, if we can call them that, don't realize that if they have the right to change my song, I have the right to change their song. See where this leads? A song for a song makes the whole party suck. You change my song, I change yours, so on, so forth, and all we ever get to rock out to are the first 10 seconds of songs.

So what do we do? Normal people would do well to have 2 rules at their parties to prevent the doomsday scenario. Number 1: Do not change a song someone else has picked unless they say you can. 2. Whoever owns the source of the music is always right. Rule 2 is to allow whoever is having the party/event/driving to decide when enough is enough- some people, the author included, just shouldn't be allowed to set the mood.

So those are some rules for normal people. But here is what to do with song changers, people who are too dim witted to understand these simple rules of etiquette. When they change your song, change it back, then pepper spray them in the face. Nothing like a little Pavlovian classical conditioning to remind them that changing other people's songs is bad for your health.

*Thanks to Brian Viel, Free Bird By Lynard Skynard, and Lauren Swastika for teaching me about song changeing.

Lets change the world (of driving)

I made an unpleasant discovery upon arriving in Utah: people here don't dim their high beams when passing you at night. In Wisconsin, I, along with most other people, were taught at a young age to switch off our brights when approaching an oncoming car. (Note- the point of this bloog is in the last 7 paragraphs, if you know the stuff at the start, skip to the end)

This is common sense, the bright lights make it harder for the other driver to see, thereby endangering both drivers. While assholes, like all the people living in Utah, are common, the solution I have arrived upon to this problem is a rare gem of college learning applied to real life. I know, it sounds crazy, but hang with me.

This situation is a classic prisoner's dilemma. In the prisoner's dilema, to suspects are being questioned separately by the police. They don't know what the other person is going to do. If both Prisoners give up their partner, they will each receive 5 year sentences. If neither rats on the other they will each receive a one year sentence. But if only one gives up the other, that person will go free while the other receives a 10 year sentence. The key here is that they cannot communicate, so invariably they both rat and wind up with a worse deal than they could have if they both kept quiet.

In my quest to deal with Utah drivers who don't dim their lights, my first instinct when approaching a poo for brains who hasn't turned off their brights dim my lights and then do nothing. This is the equivalent of not ratting- I'm hopping he will not rat, I.E dim his lights, and we will both enjoy the benefits of not looking into bright lights.

But, in Utah, invariably the other person rats. I get my brights off before I can even see other cars, usually because I can see the light from their headlights coming around a corner or over a hill. My lights go off, theirs stay on. This was a weak solution. In my mind I figured I was being the better person. Even though I was suffering while they gained. The other person got to leave their brights on, giving them a better view and they didn't have to put up with my brights.

Unsatisfied with this state of affairs, I thought about flashing my lights at them- maybe they just forgot. But this doesn't always work, some people are just ass holes, or, more likely, they are dumb asses and don't get what you are telling them.

The other alternative was to leave my brights on all the time, the equivalent of ratting in the parishioners dilemma. This meant I would be guaranteed not to be ratted on and get screwed by not fighting back. But this was still not the ideal situation, the situation where neither of the prisoners rat. I want my lights off, and their lights off.

This is where my college learning went good. There is a strategy in the prisoners dilemma called Tit for Tat. If you are using this strategy you start off being nice to the other person- you don't rat on them, you turn off your brights. Then you respond based on how your partner acts. If they rat, you rat, if they follow your lead and don't rat, you continue not to rat.

Driving in the middle of the dessert I made the quantum leap of applying this strategy to my problem with Utah drivers. You see, unlike Prisoners who only get one chance to rat or keep their mouths shut, and who can't communicate with the other prisoner, when you are approaching another car, they can see what you are doing with your lights. In addition, the interaction occurs over a certain amount of time, not all at once.

So I began to apply to Tit for Tat strategy and a miraculous thing happened! It worked. As soon as I could see another car was coming, I would dim my lights. If they dimmed their lights, I responded by keeping mine dimmed. If they failed to dim their brights, I TURNED MY BRIGHTS BACK ON. That was all it took.

Not only did I feel better because I was being proactive, rather than just putting up with it, people got the message. Rather than just seeing me go from bright to dim, they would see me turn my brights back on, causing them serious annoyance. No longer could they take advantage of me- if they wanted me to suffer, they would suffer as well. In effect, they could control my brights with their own brights.

Of course there were some people who left their brights on. These are the people we should use to diffuse bombs in Iraq. With my tit for tat strategy I could be sure these people hadn't just forgotten, they got my message when I turned my brights on as I approached them. They just wanted me to suffer, and so they suffered with me.

The best part of this strategy is that it is contagious. People can see what I am doing, and hopefully they will act the same way. If everyone starts doing this the world will be a safer, happier place. People will start out acting kind, and kindness will be returned. People who want to be dicks will get thiers.

The only problem with this situation occurs when you face a group of cars, and only the person in front fails to turn off their brights. I don't recommend this strategy, its not right to punish the people behind the ass hole for actions beyond their control. I suggest a flash in this circumstance.

And there you have it, you can take control. I already feel better.

Elect A. Carpenter President.

What would I do if I were President? Thanks for asking, I'll tell you. I'd start by getting rid of the whole Democrats vs. Republicans thing and here is how I would do it.

The problem with Democrats, and Liberals in general, is not that their hearts are in the right place. They want to make sure people get helped: they created social security so that old people could get helped, the created medicare so that people who needed drugs could get helped, and now they've created socialized medicine so that everybody can get helped. That sounds nice doesn't it? The problem is that instead of helping people, they are forcing people to help other people.

A Democrat might tell you that they are helping people help people. But what they are really doing is taking money from one person and giving it to another; this makes that person a slave for a portion of their work day. If you pay 40% taxes, for example, you are working for someone else's benefit 40% of your day (three fifths compromise anyone?).

Again, liberals might say that those people aren't slaves- they benefit from their taxes! Sure, just like Slaves in the 1600's benefited from the food and shelter their masters gave them.
But that is not to say that we shouldn't help people. And this is where Republicans, and many conservatives, throw the helpful baby out with the slavery bath water. For decades, the Right has spent so much time trying to keep from being enslaved by the left that they forgot the point of being free from taxes and government intervention. The point of being free is to create a better world, to make your own life better and the lives of those around you. In essence, you are free so you can help people (even self interested people help people, see Adam Smith).
Democrats have the goal, helping people, they just use the wrong method, slavery. Republicans have the method, freedom, but have forgotten what freedom is for, helping people. And that brings us to the point. If I were president, my goal would be to free people so they can help each other.

How would I do this? Thanks for asking. It all starts with the Magna Carta, way back in England. That document began a tradition of government with the consent of the governed. That means that a Government is only just if it has the consent of those it governs. For us, that consent comes in the form of a constitution. It says, in so many words, we don't want a government, we want to be free, but there are some things we can't do for ourselves, so we give you permission to do them.

For America, what are those things? They are the things, and only the things, the individual states cannot do for themselves. National defense, busting up monopolies, regulation of interstate commerce, defending our borders, treaty negotiation. And thats about it. Anything else would be illegal because we live in a nation of laws, and the law says anything not in the constitution is left to the states. Done.

So if I were President, and I wanted to follow the law, and keep people free, I wouldn't have half as much to do as the Presidents in the last 80 years. I would veto bills in the morning, meet with my army commanders and foreign dignitary’s around lunch, inspect the border fence in the afternoon, and spend the rest of my time encouraging people to take care of their own problems.

I don't think Democrats would object to getting rid of 90% of what the federal government does on a regular day, if States and individuals picked up the slack. If there is no social security, you had dam well better be taking dinner to the poor old couple down the street. If there is no medicare, your state and local government better have a drug plan. Instead of just paying your taxes, and then trusting the government to take care of the people around you, a small federal government forces people to get involved in their communities.

Its harder to be free- you can't just go to work and contribute your taxes. You have to go to work, then come home and cut your neighbors grass, and go to a city counsel meeting in the evening to organize a free clinic. Instead of having your money taken from you, you give your time and talent.

And therein lies the rub. As it stands now, we have a class war in this country. And its not because of some Marxist b.s. The rich and poor are fundamentally at odds with each other because we take from the rich and give to the poor. Not because of some Robbin Hood fantasy, but because there are more poor people and its easier for them to take than to build.

The solution is to find a President like me, who will end the class war by downsizing the federal government. When the rich stop fighting to hold onto what they have, they will be freed to help their states and their communities. The rich, and people in general, have a vested interest in the well being of their neighbors. If you are a millionaire restaurant owner, you better work to make sure your customers have health care and a retirement plan. If they don't, your business is going to suffer.

A good President would travel the country, not stumping for his political party when he is supposed to be running the country, but encouraging people to help each other. If I were President, I would give the nation the tough message it doesn't want to hear: the government isn't going to help you or your community, you are going to help you and your community.

Dinning Etiquette for the Rest of Us

I'm sure you have learned a few of the finer points of dinning etiquette, rules that are reserved for business meetings, 5 star restaurants, and breakfast with the Queen. Seeing as no one has a job right now, we can't afford 5 star restaurants, and the Queen slept in, here are some dinning rules for the rest of us.

These rules will work anywhere in the world of less fine dining, the common man's etiquette applies everywhere.

Rule 1: Always ask how much something costs, always. If they bring you water, ask if its included. If they ask if you would like onion rings instead of fries, ask how much it costs. Ask if the burger really costs 5.95, does that include tax? Will you get free refills? If you don't ask you have no one to blame but yourself when the bill has an extra $2.50 on it. If you are at a restaurant that doesn't print the price next to the meal, you might want to leave. A place that is that inconsiderate won't have very good service.

Rule 2: When it doubt, use your snout. Some places have a nasty habit of putting weird things on your plate. It's better to look weird than to eat something weird. Go ahead, smell your food. If you are suspicious of anything tell your server you are allergic to msg and would like to trade that item for rice pudding.

Rule 3: Sometimes you will have to deal with a valet, its unavoidable. It mostly happens when your rich friends get married at some fancy pantsy place. This can be annoying because you would rather park your own car than have to face the awkward moment when you don't tip the car park. Always demand a valet that can drive stick, especially if you drive an automatic.

Rule 4: When you are finished eating, put your knife and fork at 4:20, like the hands on a clock. This is an actual etiquette rule designed to let the wait staff know you have finished eating. But when used at a normal restaurant, where there is no chance the server will know what you mean, it allows you to feel better about yourself. You can scoff with self righteous indignation as the moron waiter asks “are you finished with that?” Obviously you're finished; look at the silverware, dumbass.

Rule 5: Eat the garnish.

Rule 6: Tip based on how well the server meets your own subjective standards. If the waiter reads your mind and brings another lemonade at just the right moment, pay them out. When she forgets you wanted your onions fried, not raw, don't say anything; just take it out of her tip. You might want to keep a running total on your napkin.

Rule 7: Never get a club sandwich, or some other piece of shit you can make at home in 30 seconds. Get the potato pancakes. How do you turn a potato into a pancake? No one knows.

Rule 8: Always use as few pieces of silverware as possible. If your server goes to take your plate, make sure to grab your fork and knife. If you have 2 forks send one back. Using more than one of any piece of silverware is wasteful.

Rule 9: If you find a hair in your food, pull it out as slowly as possible and put it on the floor.

Rule 10: Never talk with your mouthful, unless you have something important to say, or someone just asked you a question, or there is a lull in the conversation.

While this is hardly an exhaustive list, it should be enough to get you rich bastards started. And remember, bone appletits.

Why Girls Like Twilight

If your like me and love Vampires, well not love them, but love getting to learn about them so you can kill them better, then you probably have no idea why girls like Twilight. As girls, girls are the people most in need of the lessons that come from great Vampire movies such as Blade, Underworld, and the soon to be released Priest.

So why is it that girls are flocking to see a movie such as Twilight that offers little to no practical information about dealing with vampires (such as how to make silver nitrate bullets for your glock)? I've got an answer for you and it lies at the heart of Vampire Propaganda.

Twilight allows girls to escape, if just for a few hours, into a fantasy world where good looking, capable, strong, dark, interesting men are interested in lame, pale, weak, boring, high school girls for no apparent reason. Thats right, the Vampire assholes that wrote that movie are playing on girls dreams that it is possible for them to be swept off their big hairy feet, and carried away by a guy who could be dating a super model but instead has decided to date a looser.

Now I'm not saying that girl from the posters is unattractive, I'm saying the girls who go to see that movie are unattractive. If you were hot there would be no need to have an escape fantasy where some super strong, independent, quick witted guy temporarily looses his sanity and falls madly in love with you. Hot chicks spend their time working out so that when vampires really do come they can kill them better.

I'll just assume the only people reading at this point are people who like Twilight, everyone else already knows this stuff. So here is a message for you: accept that Twilight is an escape fantasy for people who don't want to put in the work it takes to date a cool guy. Throw out your sneakers, get some running shoes, go see Blade, get a silver tipped samurai sword, become interesting, and then you can date a real strong, capable man. Vampires are not bf material.

Global Warming, dumbass

I'm sick and tired of people who should know better laughing at me for not believing in Global Warming (they changed the name to climate change because the theory of global warming doesn't hold up, as you will see. Climate change is real, but there's nothing we can do about it).
Anyway, I'm going to make this as simple as possible. Here is a list of things that must be proven in order, beyond a reasonable doubt, for a reasonable, scientific, human being to do anything to reduce Co2 emissions in the way crazy people like Obama tell us we must.
1.The earth must be warming (its getting cooler)
2.A warming planet must be bad for people. I'll qualify this one- if warming were also very bad for animals we might consider moving onto number 3 (Warming is great for people, check out the little climate optimum, death rates in warm vs. cold weather, crop growth, weather patterns. Its good for animals as well- see extinction rates/discovery of new species rates)
3.Manmade emissions of CO2 must contribute in a significant way to rising temperatures or we must be on the verge of running out of fossil fuels (CO2 makes up a tiny fraction of all greenhouse gasses, of that figure manmade emissions make up an even smaller fraction. Every time we double the amount of Co2 in the atmosphere the amount that Co2 contributes to temperature change cuts in half. Conservative estimates suggest we have enough fossil fuels to meet our needs for several hundred years)
4.The damage done by Global Warming must exceed the damage done by our attempts to stop it (Economic losses from attempts to curb CO2, which would result in millions of deaths, not only far exceed predicted losses from Global Warming, they would only postpone climate changes, not prevent them)
5.
The simple fact is that the millions of people who believe in Global Warming, and who try to censure people like me, can't prove a single one of these four conditions. The reason they can't do this was provided in the parenthesis. Why do they continue to insist we all must change? Many of them simply don't have the time or mental capacity to figure out the truth (Thats why I wrote this, to help busy people).
Go ahead and ask your friends to tell you why they believe its getting warmer, why that would be a bad thing, how much CO2 actually contributes to climate changes, and what the cost of cutting CO2 from our economy would be. They won't know the answers to these questions, not with specifics anyway. For the most part they just believe (like Santa Claus). They will probably site a scientist or a politician. But a politician wouldn't know the answers to these questions and no Scientist is an expert in all of these areas (the experts in the individual areas are opposed to the theory of Global Warming). If they claim to have proof of these conditions ask them for it. I'd be shocked to even find partial evidence for one of the conditions. If you could make a case for all 4 I would become a believer- surprise me!
Your friend will be stumped but you don't even need to ask these questions. Look at your friends lifestyle. They probably drive a car (a Prius releases more CO2 over its lifetime than a hummer), they don't know what its like to have no power (they most likely can't afford non-fossil fuel power, ethanol/wind/solar use more power than they create). In fact they might make some superficial cuts that support their green views, but they don't make any real changes.
Either all these global warming people are liars (they know GW is a farce and are using it as a front for an ulterior agenda), they don't think and just go with the flow, or they believe in Global Warming but aren't scared of it at all. Flow people should wake up a little before they choke on the cool aid, people who believe but aren't scared should bring their beliefs in line with their actions (or vice versa, that won't last long), and people with an ulterior agenda should be honest (you want us to live in TP's, you hate America, whatever). Case closed.

You asked for it, now you've got foxes

The graduation pisser, which is a graduation party with your family except with more booze, was this weekend. I started sleeping out doors, which is what I wanted when I was cooped up in Madison. The first night of the pisser I passed out so I figured sleeping outside isn't that bad. But then last night I tried it sober and a herd of wild foxes decided to scare the shit out of my at 4 am.

Here I am laying in my pup tent, which is more like a blanket than a tent, and all I can hear are blood curdling screams all around my tent. I never knew what foxes sounded like when they kill things so I figured it was aliens or big foot or mutant hillbillys that my uncle always tells me about. I literally pissed in my sleeping bag (I was too scared to go out side of my tent).

As I lay there I thought, son of a bitch, you wanted to worry about food and where to sleep and to live in the middle of nowhere so now your going to lay awake all night scared to death; hope your happy.

When I woke up in the morning and changed my underwear my uncle told me it was foxes, not dinosaurs, and I figured I had better get used to this. My uncle took me to the dump, I had wanted a tour for a couple of years, and I started to feel better. Now I'm off to buy supplies and head to the U-P then Canada, where the mosquitos are as big as foxes.

Individual Freedom through Individual Restraint

Looking around the world at the various cultures and the educational systems they spawn, I feel that my educational journey has been blessed to occur at or near the pinnacle of higher education. In a world where many struggle for clean water, I have high speed internet, the most advanced libraries in history, and free delivery ten dollar pizza. When measured against the standard of a global community, nothing short of complete success in every way would do justice to my privileged position. While I am not rich by any standard, compared to the struggles of my ancestors and the poorest people of the world, I have had an easy journey. This wide view of my college experience can be depressing; having been given so much it seems that I have accomplished very little, especially when compared with the Darrell Bazzells of the world.

The highly competitive nature of upper level education only serves to fuel the feelings of inadequacy. Comparisons between myself and my graduating peers can be depressing. Those majoring in readily applicable fields such as medicine or engineering may not have succeeded in every way possible, but at least after graduation they are prepared to make significant contributions to society. For many of my fellow liberal arts majors, success lays waiting in graduate school. But for those of us who never figured out exactly what they want to do with our lives, graduation seems hollow. With so many unanswered questions the story of how I reached my final semester becomes a story of transformation. Beginning my freshman year I was focused on global and social comparisons for happiness and success. I was concerned with doing better than others and with doing as much as possible. Now, as I prepare to leave Madison, my educational experience has transformed my definition of success, and happiness, to an internal comparison between my actual self and my ideal self; a transition that has many consequences for my social integration. Clearly my goal after graduation will be to realize my ideal self. But it is first necessary to understand how that self came into existence through many years of education.

The son of a teacher and a writer there was never any question about my life path. Even before high school I knew my life was heading directly for college. My mother once told me that it didn’t matter what I did after college as long as I got my degree. My parents were the first in their families to go to college, and they did so at a time when their diploma’s guaranteed them rewarding and well paid jobs. With my goal of college, my first 12 years of education were directed towards those pursuits that would make me competitive for college; outperforming my peers and extreme extracurricular involvement. These goals lead to great successes: class president, captain of the chess and tennis teams, musical and speaking awards. I also developed strong abilities in all academic areas, particularly writing and critical analysis. At times I was worried that despite my success I wasn’t doing the things I truly enjoyed, I was simply doing the things that would make me competitive. But with college calling my name, there was little reason to doubt I was making the right choices.

Finally, after completing 12 years of college preparation (and one year of remedial pre-school for the developmentally disabled), it was time for the big show. The only hang up was that I didn’t know what I wanted to major in. I had spent so much time diversifying that I had never developed a serious passion for anything besides chess. At SOAR there was no major for chess; I decided to major in Psychology on a whim. The high school mindset that had driven me to stay ahead of my peers dictated that I not waste anytime finding myself. I could always decide what I wanted to be in graduate school or while I completed a major. Within just two years I had completed the degree requirements for my major and was left searching for a second major within the College of Letters and Science to fill my remaining 60 credits. Communication arts seemed to fit well; if I didn’t know what I wanted to do I might as well take the easiest second major I could find while developing my writing skills.

And so my freshman and sophomore years were very similar to my high school experience. I succeeded at everything I did, receiving good grades and landing a fantastic job as a counselor at a mental hospital. Everyone I worked with already had a college degree! None of my peers in Psychology could match the hands on experience and training I was receiving while still staying on track to graduate in four years. But that was when I made two realizations that quickly shifted me out of high school mode. If the people I was working with already had degrees, what was the point of being in college? At the same time I realized that I couldn’t possibly go to graduate school without figuring out what I wanted to do. My junior year I realized I had to make a change.

It was clear that if I didn't decide what I wanted to do after college my traditional education journey was going to end. I found myself in the same position as Benjamin in The Graduate when Mr. Braddock asks him about his plans.

Mr. Braddock: Ben, what are you doing?
Benjamin: Well, I would say that I’m just drifting. Here in the pool.
Mr. Braddock: Why?
Benjamin: Well, it’s very comfortable just to drift here.
Mr. Braddock: Have you thought about graduate school?
Benjamin: No.
Mr. Braddock: Would you mind telling me what those four years of college were for? What was the point of all that hard work?
Benjamin: You got me.

Grade school had led to middle school, then high school, then college, but now what? I didn’t know what I wanted to do at graduate school and going back to my counseling job would have meant college was a waste of time. What was the point in maintaining a high grade point and participating in committees and clubs I didn't care about if there was no next step? I began to shift away from doing the things I felt I had to in order to compete and started to concentrate on doing the things I enjoyed. I figured if there was no next step I might as well stop working towards nothing and enjoy myself.

Surprisingly my grades only got better as I gave up on pleasing professors and started using my class time to think about my own life. I began writing hilarious letters to the school newspaper that took fantasy and science fiction movies and pretended they were real. The editors thought some of them were so funny they ran them and eventually offered me a position writing full time comedy. This was when I realized I might be able to create my own definition of success. Society could no longer furnish the next step that would make me feel like I was keeping pace. I began to think about what I had learned, what I was enjoying, and thinking seriously about how I would live my life.

This type of thinking led me away from social comparison and towards individualism. Contrary to the idea that college makes students more liberal, I found myself turning conservative. I was unhappy with what was supposed to make me happy; it seemed that other people didn't know what was best for me. All the pressure I was receiving pointed me towards pointless competition, graduate school, and finally a job with more useless competition. Looking down that path was terrifying because it seemed that there would be no way to spend time doing what I wanted to do until retirement at age 72. Looking inward I found that I could only list a few things that I enjoyed. I enjoyed driving, hunting and fishing, rock climbing, debate, chess, and writing (Interestingly this is when I started enjoying country music much to my friends dismay, but that is another paper). I began to focus on these areas, neglecting my school work, and trying to forget about society’s ultimate definition of success, cash money.

Towards the end of my junior year and in the beginning of my senior year it was clear I had to define and continually improve my viewpoints and desires and turn this philosophy into a lifestyle. I truly began to examine my life in the manner prescribed in Chapter 3 of Charles W. Anderson’s A Deeper Freedom. In that chapter he states, “The unexamined life can indeed be worth living. The only problem is that it will not be your own (24).” It seemed to me that I had indeed been living a valuable life, but it was not my own. Rather it was one that had been prescribed to me. In an attempt to find my own life I took hunters safety, played more chess, and began writing for myself. My career at the newspaper took off and I applied for a position as an opinion columnist. I stopped buying text books and starting checking out only the library books that interested me. It was clear that college was pointless if there was no connection between what I was learning and the way I lived my life. Anderson points out how we must find a way of living that applies bother to our institutions, such as college, and our personal lives.

“We are looking for an idea of individuality and freedom that could serve as the basis of our political order and that we would also be proud to teach as a personal philosophy, a way of living (22).”

I used my class time to try and integrate new ideas into my life. I thought about older classes I had taken and what they might mean for me as an individual rather than as pawn of society.

I remembered my first economics class where my professor explained dead weight losses. Through the use of a simple graph he explained that when companies are prevented from producing at the optimal level or selling at the price dictated by the market, there is a loss suffered by both consumers and producers that is not recovered anywhere in the market. When I had memorized this concept my freshman year for a test, I hadn’t bothered to think about it. But now, it seemed very important. It seemed that artificial constraints on the free market, usually imposed by the government, were a real problem. I wondered what could have been accomplished had that dead weight loss not occurred.

As I was rethinking this economics lesson I was also taking ILS 371, Classical Thinkers Grapple with Contemporary Issues. The thinking of Adam Smith seemed to shed light on my concerns over interventions. In his book The Wealth of Nations, Smith outlines the benefit of having each individual pursue their own interests.
It is not from the benevolence of the butcher, the brewer or the baker, that we expect our dinner, but from their regard to their own self interest. We address ourselves, not to their humanity but to their self-love, and never talk to them of our own necessities but of their advantages.

Smith goes on to outline how little good can come of interventions into the natural process of having every person work for their own betterment. My understanding of dead weight losses led me to believe that by allowing all members of the marketplace to compete and produce with as little intervention as possible, we could create the greatest good for all members of society.

The individualism required for a free market which regulates itself with an invisible hand seemed to mesh well with my own search for an internal definition of success. I felt as if individualism could provide a coherent unification of my personal, social, and economic viewpoints that would enable me to approach life without a contradiction in my mental schemas. I began to feel a very deep connection to the literal interpretations of our nations founding documents which promote life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. Only when I was free from external constraints on my liberty would I be able to pursue my life in a way which would bring me the greatest happiness while, through the power of the free market, bringing an overall benefit to the rest of society.

In the fall of this year I read John Stewart Mill’s book On Liberty for the first time in ILS 371, Literature and Political Thought in Great Britain. It seemed I had found an individualist ally who had clearly defined the principles I had only begun to explore. He states, “That the only purpose for which power can be rightfully exercised over any member of a civilized community, against his will, is to prevent harm to others.” Mill’s harm principle seemed like an effective way to define the limits of my new ideology. So long as my actions, or the actions of others operating in my imagined libertarian paradise, did not harm others they should be allowed. But my study of Mill brought about several road blocks to me putting my ideas into practice. The first followed from Mill’s idea that our common goal should be to do the most good for the greatest number of people. It seemed that everyone could agree on this goal, but everyone thought they knew better than everyone else how to bring about this good.

I quickly realized that Socrates had already provided an answer to the problem of disagreement about the best way forward. In his dialogues, Plato outlined Socrates’ conclusion that the man who says he knows the best course of action is the fool, whereas those who admit they don’t know what is best are the most correct. I felt as if my entire life politicians, school administrators, and the media had been telling me they knew the best method for achieving the most good for the greatest number of people. When I had rejected the assumption that society knew what was best for me I had actually been taking sides with Socrates. But this meant that I must admit I also couldn’t know what was best for others. This realization became my strongest support for the free market and individualism. If no one knows what is best, we must each come up with our own definition of success.

This led me to think about how the harm principle should be applied. What constitutes harm? I thought about those who decide to do nothing as well as those who harm themselves and must be cared for by society. It was easy to see how the desire to pursue life, liberty, and happiness could easily come at the expense of someone else. This would make it necessary for the government to step in and prevent one person from trampling on the rights of others. But this simple step taken by the government quickly grows out of hand. In my lifetime I have witnessed laws that dictate how much water can be used in a toilet. I have had friends who fight in our wars be ticketed for having a beer. I have seen taxes on cigarettes increase many fold and a ban imposed on cigar bars. I have been forced to wear a seat belt. All of these incursions on liberty have been made in the name of the harm principle; they attempt to capture the externalities created by our freedom of choice. It seemed there was no way to have both liberty and a harm principle until I read a quote by John Adams. In a letter to a company of soldiers he writes,

“Avarice, ambition, revenge, or gallantry, would break the strongest cords of our Constitution as a whale goes through a net. Our Constitution was made only for a moral and religious people. It is wholly inadequate to the government of any other.”

I don’t remember where I first read this quote, but it enabled me to unify my personal values. The liberty provided by our constitution and the free market will not work for a population that does not have an internally regulated set of God given moral principles that prevent them from trampling on others in their pursuit of happiness. As our adherence to a set of religious principles and values deteriorates, so too must our liberty if we are to avoid anarchy. A civilization with complete freedom and no morals would self destruct.

When I reached this conclusion I found an explanation for the dramatic increase in government that has occurred in my life time. As we become incapable of regulating our own behavior, the government must do so for us. We begin to trade our liberty for safety because we do not trust each other to make good choices. As I look back on my experience in Madison I do not have to stretch to find examples of freedom that is used in excess and is subsequently lost. While current examples of immorality and subsequent anarchy followed by a loss of freedom abound, Adam Nelson’s description of the morals and anarchy at the Experimental College drive the point home. In his book Education and Democracy, he describes how, when left to their own devices, the students of the College destroyed property, had food fights, ignored their studies, and finally voted to live in a state of “communistic anarchy” rather than enact a system of rules (173-174). A board which was convened to investigate the destruction concluded that as a group “we are more than ever restricted by ourselves because of the very absence of external compulsion (174).” Given great freedom it was expected that the men of the College would use their internal morals to regulate their behavior. But absent those morals Adams hall degenerated into anarchy and eventually the College was closed.

It does not necessarily follow that the morals which allow a self constraining of our freedom must be Christian in nature, but it is very convenient. Christian morality opposes excess, promotes charity, devalues money, and encourages love of neighbor. These are values that would work very well in a free market society with very little government intervention. People would help each other not because they are taxed but because they want to. Working hard and competing would be highly valued, but not at the cost of other people. Government intervention into business, the cause of the dreaded dead weight loss, would not be necessary if corporations were unwilling to violate their own values and held themselves to a high moral standard. The recent collapse of the banking industry coming on the heels of the Enron scandal might seem to indicate big business is incapable of following any morality except that of profits. Many have used this as a justification for further Government control and oversight. But I see this as a chance to let the immoral fail while those that value the security of others, prudence, and temperance thrive.
Earlier this year I had finally sketched the outline of my beliefs about my place in the world and best way to live.

But the picture was not pretty. I find myself in a world that is increasingly shifting towards subjective morality and is constantly taking away liberty so that the individual disappears. He is replaced by a social droid that is unaware of the slow erosion of personal freedom that allows what was once a free and industrious nation to slide into totalitarianism. I did not like the radical nature of my views because they dictate radical action. I much prefer the slow experimental response suggested by Edmund Burke. He preferred a nation that followed its customs while slowly making experimental changes. But radical action and radical change is upon me whether I would have it or not. Medicine is becoming socialized, the economy is in shambles, federalism is dying, we fail to elect effective leaders, and the national debt will soon overwhelm us. The nation that once was is on the verge of collapse. Had we lost our Christian values and sense of individualism in the slow manner prescribed by Burke, perhaps we would not face the slew of social problems we do today. But because America is so vastly different today from the more and individualist America of the 1920’s, nothing short of a revolution will set us right.

My initial response to finding the situation was not only incongruent with my personal beliefs, but actually openly hostile was to withdraw. My plan was to tell society where it was headed and then build myself an ark to ride out the storm. I figured it was better to let the system crash and then attempt to rebuild than to start a revolution. But then one night in a bar, as I was telling a friend of my plan to get lost in the Canadian Rockies, she asked me if that was just a little bit selfish. Think back to all of the gifts I have been given I was forced to rethink my forsaking of society as hopelessly immoral and socialist. I had always been greatly influenced by George Orwell’s novel Nineteen Eighty Four. I had begun to see myself as a member of a society hopelessly headed for a future with no liberty. My friends question made me rethink this position. I wondered if I was becoming one of the people who allowed “The Party” to gain complete control. Wouldn’t it be a shame if I didn’t do everything I could to prevent their total control? In the words of Edmund Burke, “All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.” It now seems that I cannot simply retire to my ranch and listen to country music while the world burns. Instead I must take the internal standards that I have developed and apply them to my life while simultaneously trying to show others another way.

I have already begun this process through my work as an opinion columnist. Every week I argue for less government intervention and a return to individual morality. And every week I am opposed. I have received personal threats, had my views attacked as racist, been told I will never have a career because of my opinions, witnessed calls for my censure, been personally insulted in front of hundreds, and been fired from one newspaper (only to be hired by another the same day- some editors appreciate free speech and controversy). The world is extremely hostile to my views, and for many reasons I can understand why. Less government means people have to do more for themselves. There is great risk in personal freedom and many would rather concentrate power in a bureaucracy than see it spread across a population they do not trust. It is very hard to oppose a smoking ban if you do not smoke; restricting others rights can be helpful. But to this type of thinking I always reply with a poem attributed to a German Pastor named Martin Niemöller.

"THEY CAME FIRST for the Communists,
and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist.
THEN THEY CAME for the Jews,
and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew.
THEN THEY CAME for the trade unionists,
and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist.
THEN THEY CAME for the Catholics,
and I didn’t speak up because I was a Protestant.
THEN THEY CAME for me
and by that time no one was left to speak up."

My goal is to get Americans to accept the risk that comes from defending the rights of others because if we don’t, our rights will be next. But to convince people is an uphill battle. It will begin with electing politicians who promise to do less, not more. They must stop spending our money, pay down our debt, and force us to take care of ourselves. For this to happen there must be a return to personal morals and close knit communities. In a disconnected society individuals can feel helpless to work with and support their neighbors or to make decisions for their community. It seems much easier to pay more money and to trust a top down agency to provide things such as health insurance and food relief. But it has already been established that we do not know what is best for other people; certainly large governments can have very little idea about the needs and desires of individual citizens. Only when we reconnect with our neighbors and communities to such a degree that we can utilize public discourse to share our own needs will we be able to move forward with liberty and justice for all.

My part will be to continue to challenge and refine my personal philosophy while simultaneously applying it. Rather than retreat from a world gone wrong, I will work to reconnect the communities in which I live and to campaign for smaller government intervention into the private sector and our personal lives. We must regain our trust of one another and remove our trust from the government. To do this we must return to a nation of moralists, free to make bad choices but constrained by our religiously based values. The individual, moral and with a self given rather than socially derived definition of success, has always been the best protection against totalitarianism. Working towards the goal of the individual will mean enable me to realize my ideal self and bring value to my post graduate life.

Correct me if I'm wrong

I am not an economics expert, but maybe I should be. Please point out the error in my logic if you can see it.

The new health care bill will force just about every american to have health insurance and prevent insurance companies from charging more for people who will be more expensive to insure (those who will need more medical attention). Therefore, they will have to charge more for everyone to make up for the cost.

I understand that we pay for some of these people allready because they are uninsured and the goverenment often times picks up their bill.

Nevertheless, many people will have to pay more to cover these more needy Americans. Likewise, many people who don't need insurance, or could get it for cheap now, will have to pay to insure that everyone is insured.

In addition, we will have increased demand for medical services because everyone will be covered. Increased demand without increased supply means increased prices. I would like to know how the government plans to increase supply of medicine, or if it can't, how much our costs will go up.

As I see it we have a bill that increases prices for some to decrease prices for others. We have a bill that increases demand but doesn't account for the increase in supply.

This system will help some at the expense of others and will certainly have a deadweight loss, as any market intervention does. Of course it will be nice if no one has to go without medical coverage, but some people will have to go without something else in order to get that coverage. We have a classic forgotten man situation. A (the governement) decides to help B (the uninsured). It does this by charging C (the insured, or those uninsured by choice) without consulting C, or considering the net loss of both B and C.

Most importantly this bill is meant to give insurance to people who wouldn't have it otherwise. But that is because those people don't value health insurance as much as other things they are spending money on, such as food, shelter, or education. By giving them insurance we are doing them less good than if we gave them cash or some other good or service that they value more. Basically we are taking money from some people in the form of taxes or forced insurance payments, and giving it to poor people who don't want it for what we make them spend it on. Son of a bitch.

A disturbing trend

I'd like to talk about a disturbing trend in environmental distruction that I witness everyday. It occurs in men's bathrooms. I must admit I am a big part of the problem but I want to know what I can do to become part of the solution.

What happens is this: Somebody, maybe even you, dribbles just a little bit on the floor in front of the urinal. No big deal you might think. Well what starts as a little dribble quickly becomes a cascading drench of piss all over the floor for yards behind the toilet. Heres how.

After that first dribble the next man comes to the toilet and, not wanting to step in the urine, stands a little further back. You can see where this is going. Standing back this next person almost always ends up dribbling themselves as they cut off the flow at the end of their piss. This dribble extends the first dribble away from the base of the toilet.

Now the third man faces an even longer dribble, and, as is natural, steps back even further to avoid stepping in piss. He then adds his own dribble to the first two dribbles and then extends the dribble outward. This trend will continue its expanse until by the end of the day people are trying to piss into a toilet that is 10, 20 feet away. Ive seen people standing outside of the bathroom with the door propped open trying to make it into the toilet.

You might be saying, man, thats ridiculous. It is but us men are trapped in an endless cycle of dribble extension that leads to ever expanding piss pools and the inevitable long shot from across the bathroom.

I hope this helps women to understand why most mens bathrooms are covered in piss. I'd love to hear your solutions to this disturbing trend.

A Boy And His Burrito

Once there was a boy named Andrew. He was a sad little boy because he liked to run and play and whistle but he had no one to run and play and whistle with. Then, one day when he was outside playing all alone he found a burrito.

Andrew said: "Hi my name is Andrew. Would you like to run and play and whistle with me?"

And the Burrito said "My name is The Burrito and I would love to play and run and whistle with you but I don't know how."

So Andrew taught The Burrito how to run and play and whistle many songs and he wasn't sad anymore. After a long day out side Andrew said to The Burrito "I am so glad I have someone to run and play and whistle with but now my hands are cold from being outside."

The Burrito thought about this for a moment then said "I know. Hold me in you hands for I am still warm from the oven."

So the boy held the Burrito close to his heart and his hands weren't cold anymore.

They watched the sunset and the boy was happy. But then he realized he was very hungry from all the whistling and running and playing. "What a fun day we had, but now I need something to eat," said Andrew.

Then The Burrito thought about this for along time. He thought and thought and thought. Finally he said "Burritos don't get hungry, but there is nothing better in the world for a hungry little boy than his burrito."

The boy looked at his Burrito and said "But if I eat you I who will I have to run and play and whistle with tomorrow?"

Then the Burrito smiled and said "I'll still be with you for every song you whistle and every time you run and whenever you play. I'll just be deep inside of you helping you to do all those things. You'll make new friends and your hands will get cold and sometimes you'll feel lonely and you might get hungry but you will always have the memory of me in your tummy to help you."

So the boy hugged his Burrito one last time and ate him. Now he wasn't hungry anymore. As he walked home he thought about what The Burrito had said and realized the true meaning of friendship. Having a friend doesn't mean you won't get hungry or cold or have to whistle and run and play alone sometimes. It means you will always have your friends in your stomach to help you through those tough times.

Yes, thought Andrew, there truly are no better friends than A boy and his burrito.

The End.

SSAD: A shopping story to scare the shit out of you

Just as a refresher for those of you who don't remember: SSAD is an acronym for Social Shopping Anxiety Disorder. I happen to suffer from this and so shopping for me is out of the question. Shopping is the act of going to a store when you don't need something to look at things you could buy. It also means going to a store to buy one thing, and then looking around at other things in case you decide you want to buy them. Needless to say I have never been shopping because it causes my SSAD to flare up un-contrallably. Plus shopping is a waste of time, I go buying when I need something, but needless to say I spend as little time in the store as possible and get out very fast after locating and buying only the things I need.

(On a side note a good way to accomplish this is to walk behind the counter or go into the employee only area, or pick up the in store phone, or try and use the cash register. When you do someone will come over and say "can I help you?" Then you give them the list of things you want, make them find it for you, and go to the checkout as quickly as possible. The only time anyone will come to help you on their own is when you look like you don't know what to buy. If you know what you want to buy but can't find it there is no reason to help you since you will only spend more time in the store looking for the item and in the process you might accidentally buy something else).

Anyway, so I never go shopping because I only buy what I need and I never go to a store like Urban Outfitters because they don't have anything anyone ever needs. But today I did go to urban outfitters, to shop, and this is the story of how I was forced into this situation and what happened.

My stupid work has secret santas and I have to participate. The SS (as I will refer to it) is dumb for many reasons but here is one: they cap the amount you can spend, thereby gaurunteeing you buy some piece of shit that no one wants and thereby perpetuating the market for shitty products that make shopping such a terrible ativity and is causing the number of people with SSAD to go way up.

So I got this guy I work with and I have to get him something. My first instinct was to give him 10$ (which is the most money we were allowed to spend) or 10$ worth of beer. But because my boss will be there I figured I might as well try to not look like an asshole (which as we will learn was my biggest mistake).

Not knowing what the fuck to buy for this boy (I know), I was left with no option but to go "shopping." The prospect of this was terrifying, especially because I have no idea where you even go to shop, and the only times I have ever been shopping was when my mom made me (she let me hold a dinosaur but not buy it) and with a hot girl (she let me hold her but not date her). So basically I knew it would be aweful but after going to the bank to take out 10$ I said a prayer and headed to Urban Outfitters.

I chose UO because it was next to the burrito store, my favorite. So upon entering the first store I went to the first display and picked up the first book on the stand. I thought to my self, it smells like shit in here, but at least I got something quick and now I can get out of here.

I made my way to the checkout and it looked like my luck was going to hold. There was no line. I went up to the lady and she looked at me and said "I can't check you out, I'm just here to fix the register. I knew this was going to happen.

So I got in line at the next register behind some girl who looked like she loved shopping and clearing her throat all the time in movie theaters. She was asking lots of dumb questions. The music in that place was really starting to get to me. Its like when Superman is in the room with krypontite. If he could just crawl out he would be fine! But he just doesn't. have. the . strength. ah.

So then there was a problem with her credit card and I thought about just leaving but then it would have all been for nothing. Finally she left and it was my turn. The book actually cost 14$ which was above the limit but at the point I would have rather been in prison so I just handed over the cash. Then it was time for questions.

"Did you find everything ok today?" Yes, it was like when that girl found the key in her friends stomach in Saw. "Would you like a bag?" No, I want to leave. "Would you like a reciept?" No, I want to punch you in the mouth and move to montana. "How about signing up for our email list to receive special offers and promotions?" How about I hold this place hostage and then when they meet my demands of 10 pounds of bacon and 10 gallons of whiskey I blow it up anyway? "Have a nice day!" Have a nice time putting urban outfitters on your resume.

What a stupid name for a store anyway. No one goes in there to get outfitted for an expedition to explore Chicago. They go in there because they think shopping will make them happy since they have no other purpose in life other than to buy a cute new hat and a funny book for their friends to read while they pretend to pee at their party but actually clog the toilet.

So I had bought my book but as I turned around I realized that the store was designed like a crab trap. It was easy to get in but hard to get out. Some worker walked up behind me with pierced ears and a polo. It was looking bad. As I ran around the displays trying to find a way out that wouldn't force me to talk to anyone or look at shot glasses that say things like "One tequila, 2 taquila, I'm actually faking it so I have an excuse to be a whore.

Just when the kryponitic combination of bad music smells and arkatectur designed to make you buy things was about to overwhelm me, I burst through the doors and into the light.

It took me a few minutes to calm down and I'm still not sure if I'll ever be the same. But one of the best ways to cope with this stress is to share my story. So if there are other SSAD sufferers out there I encourage you to share your experiances and know you are not alone. The anger and betrayal you feel are natural. There is nothing wrong with having SSAD, someday society will learn. Until then we have to stick together.

Life Plan as of 2009

I'm currently saving all my change and when I graduate I'm going to use it to use it to buy a nice wooden box. I'll fill it with whisky and cigars and that thick steak kind of beef jerky (but I'll keep the whisky in bottles). Then I'm going to load the box into my truck at hit the road to seek a position as a fisherman.

If I can I will buy an English Mastiff. After a year or two of fishing I will head west and buy some land. Then I will be about 24 and I will begin work as a wilderness therapist.

I will spend my days off building a log cabin and hopefully my friends will help with a barn raising. Please remember to show up for this, we will need all the help we can get. I will be about 27 at this point.

About here you will probably come for a visit and say "what happened to you Andrew, you used to be so (insert whatever you think of me now)." I'll laugh and offer you some whisky and jerky and you'll probably remark on the expert craftsmanship of my cabin. Thanks I'll say, it was built with Zombie defense in mind.

Then I'll go back to graduate school for something that seems stupid, like Judo, or life enjoyment counseling, but by the time I'm 32 it will seem like a great move.

I'm leaving some of the time after that open. Most of my friends will be married and have car loans and stuff but they don't realize that whisky, cigars, and beef jerky really are not that expensive so you don't need a big income.

I'd like to meet some women along the way, a wife at some point. It would be good if she was a practical joker and knew how to make cornbread and steak. Also she would have to get along with Milo, I forgot to mention that thats my dogs name. Also if you could teach me to dance that would be great. It would also help if she was attractive and aged well, like whisky or beef jerky. I also like back scratches. I don't really bring much to the table but I promise I won't get fat. See above for what life with me will be like.

If I had to guess what my 40's will be like I will be raising some kids, all expert Jui Jitzu fighters and Tuba players. If society has collapsed you can find me on my western land living off of home made jerky and whisky, but my kids won't have whisky until they turn 14 and become adults by killing their first deer.

My wife and I will be working on some project together, maybe a bar where you get bacon and apple beer. At about 47 I'll start a factory that produces good ideas, I'll be hiring all my friends and the great people I met along the way to work on the assembly line. I'll even let you drink at work.

That still leaves 50-100, and I think I will live along time. So that period will be spent re-building society and writing funny stories. My wife and I will go down fighting aliens and our kids will become heros for infecting the bastards with canceraids. So ya, thats me in a nutshell.

If you have any ideas for filling that up or it sounds fun your welcome to come. Wifes especially.