Dinning Etiquette for the Rest of Us

I'm sure you have learned a few of the finer points of dinning etiquette, rules that are reserved for business meetings, 5 star restaurants, and breakfast with the Queen. Seeing as no one has a job right now, we can't afford 5 star restaurants, and the Queen slept in, here are some dinning rules for the rest of us.

These rules will work anywhere in the world of less fine dining, the common man's etiquette applies everywhere.

Rule 1: Always ask how much something costs, always. If they bring you water, ask if its included. If they ask if you would like onion rings instead of fries, ask how much it costs. Ask if the burger really costs 5.95, does that include tax? Will you get free refills? If you don't ask you have no one to blame but yourself when the bill has an extra $2.50 on it. If you are at a restaurant that doesn't print the price next to the meal, you might want to leave. A place that is that inconsiderate won't have very good service.

Rule 2: When it doubt, use your snout. Some places have a nasty habit of putting weird things on your plate. It's better to look weird than to eat something weird. Go ahead, smell your food. If you are suspicious of anything tell your server you are allergic to msg and would like to trade that item for rice pudding.

Rule 3: Sometimes you will have to deal with a valet, its unavoidable. It mostly happens when your rich friends get married at some fancy pantsy place. This can be annoying because you would rather park your own car than have to face the awkward moment when you don't tip the car park. Always demand a valet that can drive stick, especially if you drive an automatic.

Rule 4: When you are finished eating, put your knife and fork at 4:20, like the hands on a clock. This is an actual etiquette rule designed to let the wait staff know you have finished eating. But when used at a normal restaurant, where there is no chance the server will know what you mean, it allows you to feel better about yourself. You can scoff with self righteous indignation as the moron waiter asks “are you finished with that?” Obviously you're finished; look at the silverware, dumbass.

Rule 5: Eat the garnish.

Rule 6: Tip based on how well the server meets your own subjective standards. If the waiter reads your mind and brings another lemonade at just the right moment, pay them out. When she forgets you wanted your onions fried, not raw, don't say anything; just take it out of her tip. You might want to keep a running total on your napkin.

Rule 7: Never get a club sandwich, or some other piece of shit you can make at home in 30 seconds. Get the potato pancakes. How do you turn a potato into a pancake? No one knows.

Rule 8: Always use as few pieces of silverware as possible. If your server goes to take your plate, make sure to grab your fork and knife. If you have 2 forks send one back. Using more than one of any piece of silverware is wasteful.

Rule 9: If you find a hair in your food, pull it out as slowly as possible and put it on the floor.

Rule 10: Never talk with your mouthful, unless you have something important to say, or someone just asked you a question, or there is a lull in the conversation.

While this is hardly an exhaustive list, it should be enough to get you rich bastards started. And remember, bone appletits.