SSAD: A shopping story to scare the shit out of you

Just as a refresher for those of you who don't remember: SSAD is an acronym for Social Shopping Anxiety Disorder. I happen to suffer from this and so shopping for me is out of the question. Shopping is the act of going to a store when you don't need something to look at things you could buy. It also means going to a store to buy one thing, and then looking around at other things in case you decide you want to buy them. Needless to say I have never been shopping because it causes my SSAD to flare up un-contrallably. Plus shopping is a waste of time, I go buying when I need something, but needless to say I spend as little time in the store as possible and get out very fast after locating and buying only the things I need.

(On a side note a good way to accomplish this is to walk behind the counter or go into the employee only area, or pick up the in store phone, or try and use the cash register. When you do someone will come over and say "can I help you?" Then you give them the list of things you want, make them find it for you, and go to the checkout as quickly as possible. The only time anyone will come to help you on their own is when you look like you don't know what to buy. If you know what you want to buy but can't find it there is no reason to help you since you will only spend more time in the store looking for the item and in the process you might accidentally buy something else).

Anyway, so I never go shopping because I only buy what I need and I never go to a store like Urban Outfitters because they don't have anything anyone ever needs. But today I did go to urban outfitters, to shop, and this is the story of how I was forced into this situation and what happened.

My stupid work has secret santas and I have to participate. The SS (as I will refer to it) is dumb for many reasons but here is one: they cap the amount you can spend, thereby gaurunteeing you buy some piece of shit that no one wants and thereby perpetuating the market for shitty products that make shopping such a terrible ativity and is causing the number of people with SSAD to go way up.

So I got this guy I work with and I have to get him something. My first instinct was to give him 10$ (which is the most money we were allowed to spend) or 10$ worth of beer. But because my boss will be there I figured I might as well try to not look like an asshole (which as we will learn was my biggest mistake).

Not knowing what the fuck to buy for this boy (I know), I was left with no option but to go "shopping." The prospect of this was terrifying, especially because I have no idea where you even go to shop, and the only times I have ever been shopping was when my mom made me (she let me hold a dinosaur but not buy it) and with a hot girl (she let me hold her but not date her). So basically I knew it would be aweful but after going to the bank to take out 10$ I said a prayer and headed to Urban Outfitters.

I chose UO because it was next to the burrito store, my favorite. So upon entering the first store I went to the first display and picked up the first book on the stand. I thought to my self, it smells like shit in here, but at least I got something quick and now I can get out of here.

I made my way to the checkout and it looked like my luck was going to hold. There was no line. I went up to the lady and she looked at me and said "I can't check you out, I'm just here to fix the register. I knew this was going to happen.

So I got in line at the next register behind some girl who looked like she loved shopping and clearing her throat all the time in movie theaters. She was asking lots of dumb questions. The music in that place was really starting to get to me. Its like when Superman is in the room with krypontite. If he could just crawl out he would be fine! But he just doesn't. have. the . strength. ah.

So then there was a problem with her credit card and I thought about just leaving but then it would have all been for nothing. Finally she left and it was my turn. The book actually cost 14$ which was above the limit but at the point I would have rather been in prison so I just handed over the cash. Then it was time for questions.

"Did you find everything ok today?" Yes, it was like when that girl found the key in her friends stomach in Saw. "Would you like a bag?" No, I want to leave. "Would you like a reciept?" No, I want to punch you in the mouth and move to montana. "How about signing up for our email list to receive special offers and promotions?" How about I hold this place hostage and then when they meet my demands of 10 pounds of bacon and 10 gallons of whiskey I blow it up anyway? "Have a nice day!" Have a nice time putting urban outfitters on your resume.

What a stupid name for a store anyway. No one goes in there to get outfitted for an expedition to explore Chicago. They go in there because they think shopping will make them happy since they have no other purpose in life other than to buy a cute new hat and a funny book for their friends to read while they pretend to pee at their party but actually clog the toilet.

So I had bought my book but as I turned around I realized that the store was designed like a crab trap. It was easy to get in but hard to get out. Some worker walked up behind me with pierced ears and a polo. It was looking bad. As I ran around the displays trying to find a way out that wouldn't force me to talk to anyone or look at shot glasses that say things like "One tequila, 2 taquila, I'm actually faking it so I have an excuse to be a whore.

Just when the kryponitic combination of bad music smells and arkatectur designed to make you buy things was about to overwhelm me, I burst through the doors and into the light.

It took me a few minutes to calm down and I'm still not sure if I'll ever be the same. But one of the best ways to cope with this stress is to share my story. So if there are other SSAD sufferers out there I encourage you to share your experiances and know you are not alone. The anger and betrayal you feel are natural. There is nothing wrong with having SSAD, someday society will learn. Until then we have to stick together.