Republicans Call Large too Big as Congress Clashes Over Bill

Congressional leaders met for what was supposed to be a non-partisan pizza party at a Washington D.C. Pizza Hut. The party quickly became deadlocked along party lines as Democrats and Republicans clashed over the bill, pork, and tipping for low income waitresses.

Republican leaders called an extra large supreme pizza “excessive” and, in light of the federal deficit, suggested budgetary restraint. Democrats cautioned they would not vote for any order that did not include wings and extra cheese.

Democrats countered the austerity plan with their own proposal, suggesting wealthier party goers should pick up the drink tab. Conservatives argued pitchers of beer purchased by the top 10% of wage earners would trickle down to less affluent diners.

Representative Nancy Pelosi (D-California) voiced her dissatisfaction with a plan that would allow individuals to purchase their own side dishes without contributing to the purchase of pizza.“This is a classic example of Republicans paying for a party on the backs of those who can least afford a meat lovers with stuffed crust.”

Representative Paul Ryan (R-Wisconsin) said he refused to attach Canadian Bacon to the bill, a move he claimed would prevent restaurants from relying on foreign meat. In addition the Senator found Democrats suggestions of bread sticks to be “preposterous,” stating the time had come to “get real about fiscal restraint.”

Democrats refused to yield any ground on plans to start a bar tab despite concerns future generations of party goers would have to foot the bill. “If we cut our bar tab now we could be looking at an even worse party than those held in the 30's,” said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Navada).

Republicans refused to extend the tip ceiling despite the bill's rapidly approaching deadline of 10 pm when the restaurant would close. Democrats claimed 15% was the minimum standard. As of press time a tea party had been suggested for a future gathering as a way to avoid the costs associated with a bloated central pizza party.

Have you ever wanted to be a porn star? We all get our start as porn extras

I was trying to decide if my porn star name should be Ben Laid or Will Lay. Thats when it all 'came' back to me...

I was born Ben Laid in 69'. At the age of 18 the FBI (Female Body Inspectors) recruited me as its lead agent on a project to 'endow' soldiers with super human 'size' and 'stamina.' But my top secret 'under covers' mission was 'blown prematurely.'

I had to go into hiding, changing my name from Ben Laid to Will Lay. While in hiding I developed a 'confidence' problem relating to my past. Now, after five years in hiding, I will be called back to 'service' my country. My mission? 'Penetrate' a military hospital, 'through the back door,' that has been 'dominated' by the super soldiers I helped create.

Once 'in side,' I will have to rescue the hospital's nurses, both naughty and nice, whose special treatment helps me 'overcum' my 'confidence' problem.

The mission could get 'messy,' and I may even have to be 'punished' for my methods, but if I succeed, I will receive a very personal 'thank you' from the first lady. All in a days work for Ben Laid. Or should I say Will Lay.

The Wink and the Wiener

I haven't written in a while because I've been too busy trying to determine if I even exist, and if so, why. When you've got problems is the best time to play philosopher. In the event your life doesn't give you any excuses to pretend nothing is real, here is a problem that might convince you the world outside of your own mind is an illusion.

Once upon a time a well timed wink was the highlight of the day. This brilliant social maneuver evolved as a simpler alternative to laying ones finger aside of ones nose (see “Twas the Night Before Christmas”). The wink got its start as a tool used by old people to prove to young people they weren't senile. When an old person would make a straight faceed joke, they would wink at someone. If they didn't wink, no one could be sure they weren't serious and therefore senile.

This simple way to let others know something strange was going on quickly spread throughout society. The most common use of the wink was as a way for suave men, and the occasional progressive woman, to let someone else know the cats in the bag, so to speak. In bars, on street corners, and in libraries, winks were the ocular pickup tool of choice.

But then things started to get out of hand. People who shouldn't have been winking, mostly the unsuave, started winking. With so much winking going on it became impossible for women to tell if the person winking at them was just a cute interested guy or some pedophile, rapist, or Democrat who had no business winking in the first place.

It should be noted that at the same time the wink was getting out of control, a large number of senile old men accidentally winked when saying something crazy. This lead to the dirty old man stereotype and the eventual deportation of thousands of old men who were actually just kidding.

National shame aside, sometime around 1965 it became unsafe for women to trust winkers despite the overwhelming number of winkings being benevolent. Today the wink is associated with creepy perverts and dirty old men, a far cry from its humble origins as a tool for reducing the ambiguity of eye contact.

Although a few roguish devil may care edge of society bloogers still attempt the odd wink, it doesn't look like the wink is coming back anytime soon. Still, this creates a bit of a market gap for the bold, suave man or women brave enough to go for the one eyed blink. But don't say I didn't warn you; women are still in the habit of macing first and asking for your number later.