I was in Indiana for Easter and I found the place pleasantly quiet and unassuming with lovely people and calm rolling country side. But apparently it wasn't always like this. The Indians used to be wild and crazy drunks who would throw a party at the drop of a hat and do anything for a laugh. How do I know this? They have banned the sale of alcohol on election days, thats how.
Its easy to imagine how it happened. For years and years candidates would invite their friends, and anyone who wanted to have a good time, to a raucous party. With all the booze paid for by the candidates, everyone got rip roaring drunk. Then once everyone was in high spirits, the good Indianians would follow their "party" leader down to the polling place.
For years this system worked and for years everyone was happy. The citizens knew that they where getting good representatives because they knew the people they voted for understood them. A couple of shots, some fried chicken, what else does an Indianian need?
But then something terrible happened. In the infamous election of 1889, the party got out of hand and the only people who where sober enough to make it to the polling place where the jackasses who nobody liked. Upon sobering up the good people of Indiana realized their mistake- they had let a bunch of asses into power! To prevent such a terrible mistake from happening again, they vowed to never drink on election day again.
While every school child in Indiana could tell you this story, the effects of the election of 1889, or the moonshine landslide of 89, as the locals remember it, are relatively unknown in the rest of the country. Ignorance has not, however, shielded us from the negative effect of that one drunken election. Since their victory all those years ago it seems that the asses have never left power.
Some attribute the sad state of public affairs to the two party system, others to apathy among the young people. But my trip to Indiana has taught me the truth. It used to be that only the fun loving, whiskey drinking, Banjo toting American's where the ones to vote. It was fun! Everybody got loaded on the candidates dime, talked a little politics, and then people voted.
But when the people of Indiana decided to quit drinking on election day all the fun of voting was taken away. After they vowed to stop drinking, the good down to earth Indianianians didn't really see the point in showing up to vote. The politicians stopped spending their money on beer and started spending it on campaign ads.
As campaign ads got more expensive with the advent of Radio and TV, the politicians became beholden to the special interests that paid for their campaigns instead of the beer drinking Americans who used to show up for the party.
Without the voting party, the focus has shifted away from the hard working hard playing American's who used to vote great American's into office. Instead we have a bunch of corporations, special interests, and billionaires paying for weak tit American's to take office. Its time to bring the fun back to politics- let those Indianianianians have a drink on election day!
Monday, April 25, 2011
Friday, April 22, 2011
If your too dumb to know this is a sham, your hired!
I've been self unemployed for a few months now and the job market for sarcastic, self aware writers with liberal arts degrees is about as hot as Eskimo boogers. After being turned down as a waiter in Alaska, at a restaurant specializing in Eskimo boogers, I was feeling pretty low. Just when I thought things couldn't get any worse, I was hired as a customer service representative, for a leading company!, and things got much worse.
Things started with an application and an interview that went well enough, and within a couple of hours I was hired and invited to come to a 3 day paid training after which I would immediately start work! Sweet deal I though, and so I asked what I would be assisting the customer with and I was informed that the product was featured in Epcots home of the future!
So this morning I showed up to training wearing my borrowed tie which I had spent all morning learning how to tie. The 4 hour training session got off to an exciting start. I learned I would be assisting customers by taking vacuum cleaners to their homes and demonstrating how to use them.
Wait, what?
Thats right! Vacuum cleaners will be in the home of the future. But not just any vacuum. This baby can blow up balloons, buff your car, unclog your drains, clean your dog, massage your head, soap your carpet, clean your mattress, and tutor your kids in math. It does things you didn't even know you know you needed to do.
Needless to say I learned I need one of these vacuum cleaners. And if I, a crude, wild stallion of a man boy who lives in a truck could see the need for one of these babies, then how easy would it be to sell these suckers to people who lived in houses?
After hearing more details about the product I was convinced every homeowner needs a Sentria. But as the training wore on, I started to realize the company might not be the best place to work. Here's a short list of the things that tipped me off:
1. They told me I would be paid for the training but 4 hours into the training I was asked to sign a form stating I agreed not to be paid for the training.
2. I was a customer service rep, not a sales person, but I would be paid on commission.
3. We where told we would be reimbursed for our fuel costs. But half way through the first day it became clear we would be reimbursed by the government, in the form of tax rebates, and mysterious bonuses which would be given out based on subjective criteria.
4. I was told I wouldn't have to find my own sales, that the company would only send us to homes that where per-approved and who had requested a demonstration. But, before we could start, we would have to find 4 people to demonstrate the product to and here is what to say to sales you find.
5. Everyone at the training was hired! But if some of us didn't find enough people to demonstrate the vacuum cleaner to, we might not be hired.
6. We had more applications than we could handle, said the instructor. We selected you because we like you. But if you could refer people to us we will give you money, and some of it will be the money of the person you referred.
7. We stand behind our product so we don't mind if people try it out. But don't tell them its made by Kirby, just tell them its the new Sentria.
8. Here is a list of the types of people to set up appointments with (I've simplified the list): People with money.
9. Here is a list of the types of people not to set up appointments with: Poor people, disabled people, young people.
10. You can all become managers and we have relatively few managers
After 4 hours of training, my brain, which process facts with the dual motor power of a Sentria, was realizing this company was pretty shady.
While they didn't bring me in as an employee, they did bring me in as customer. I took advantage of their financing and for only 36 payments of 79.95 I've brought the Sentria home! Well, not technically home, because I live in my car and am unemployed. But when I do get a place I'm going to be able to shampoo my carpets in as little as 20 minutes per room! Did you know sand is the number one destroyer of carpets and the Sentria has the suction power to remove course sand from your carpet?
Its too bad that this company wasn't more up front with me, I really do love the Sentria. When was the last time you vacuumed your bed? The Sentria can reach over 12 inches down into your mattress to remove the dust mites and dead skin particles that are the leading cause of difficult breathing for sleepers! If only finding a good job that doesn't take advantage of people where as easy as removing grime from tile floors with the Sentria. Did I mention it makes cleaning ceiling fans a breeze?
Things started with an application and an interview that went well enough, and within a couple of hours I was hired and invited to come to a 3 day paid training after which I would immediately start work! Sweet deal I though, and so I asked what I would be assisting the customer with and I was informed that the product was featured in Epcots home of the future!
So this morning I showed up to training wearing my borrowed tie which I had spent all morning learning how to tie. The 4 hour training session got off to an exciting start. I learned I would be assisting customers by taking vacuum cleaners to their homes and demonstrating how to use them.
Wait, what?
Thats right! Vacuum cleaners will be in the home of the future. But not just any vacuum. This baby can blow up balloons, buff your car, unclog your drains, clean your dog, massage your head, soap your carpet, clean your mattress, and tutor your kids in math. It does things you didn't even know you know you needed to do.
Needless to say I learned I need one of these vacuum cleaners. And if I, a crude, wild stallion of a man boy who lives in a truck could see the need for one of these babies, then how easy would it be to sell these suckers to people who lived in houses?
After hearing more details about the product I was convinced every homeowner needs a Sentria. But as the training wore on, I started to realize the company might not be the best place to work. Here's a short list of the things that tipped me off:
1. They told me I would be paid for the training but 4 hours into the training I was asked to sign a form stating I agreed not to be paid for the training.
2. I was a customer service rep, not a sales person, but I would be paid on commission.
3. We where told we would be reimbursed for our fuel costs. But half way through the first day it became clear we would be reimbursed by the government, in the form of tax rebates, and mysterious bonuses which would be given out based on subjective criteria.
4. I was told I wouldn't have to find my own sales, that the company would only send us to homes that where per-approved and who had requested a demonstration. But, before we could start, we would have to find 4 people to demonstrate the product to and here is what to say to sales you find.
5. Everyone at the training was hired! But if some of us didn't find enough people to demonstrate the vacuum cleaner to, we might not be hired.
6. We had more applications than we could handle, said the instructor. We selected you because we like you. But if you could refer people to us we will give you money, and some of it will be the money of the person you referred.
7. We stand behind our product so we don't mind if people try it out. But don't tell them its made by Kirby, just tell them its the new Sentria.
8. Here is a list of the types of people to set up appointments with (I've simplified the list): People with money.
9. Here is a list of the types of people not to set up appointments with: Poor people, disabled people, young people.
10. You can all become managers and we have relatively few managers
After 4 hours of training, my brain, which process facts with the dual motor power of a Sentria, was realizing this company was pretty shady.
While they didn't bring me in as an employee, they did bring me in as customer. I took advantage of their financing and for only 36 payments of 79.95 I've brought the Sentria home! Well, not technically home, because I live in my car and am unemployed. But when I do get a place I'm going to be able to shampoo my carpets in as little as 20 minutes per room! Did you know sand is the number one destroyer of carpets and the Sentria has the suction power to remove course sand from your carpet?
Its too bad that this company wasn't more up front with me, I really do love the Sentria. When was the last time you vacuumed your bed? The Sentria can reach over 12 inches down into your mattress to remove the dust mites and dead skin particles that are the leading cause of difficult breathing for sleepers! If only finding a good job that doesn't take advantage of people where as easy as removing grime from tile floors with the Sentria. Did I mention it makes cleaning ceiling fans a breeze?
Sunday, April 10, 2011
The fallacy of the shart
Kids today have no work ethic, no respect for their elders, and think the Four Seasons is a hotel. Some blaim rap music, some blaim the media, some blaim poor spelling. I have a different explaination. I blame the shart (SHART- A fart that expells shit into your pants).
When I was a kid, pooping your pants was an embarassing reminder that you were a dumbass. It built character! Today's parents want to protect their kids, they want to coddle them. "It's ok honey buns, you did't crap your self, it was just a little shart! My little cutie pooty can grow up to be anything he wants!" What load of shit.
By telling our kids that they can do no wrong, that their shit doesn't stink if you will, we have helped to create a generation that doesn't deal with reality. If there isn't enough money, we get another credit card or refinance. When we don't like the jobs that are availible we go on welfare. American's have gained a nasty habit of hiding from the crappy truth so they can hold onto an unsustainable standard of living. It stinks.
Hiding from our National debt by raising the debt ceiling or shuffling money around so we can afford a war in Libya is as stupid as pooping your pants and calling it a shart. You're full of crap whether you admit it or not.
You wouldn't catch a Vietnam vet or someone who lived through the great depression with huge credit card debt or forgetting to vote and you won't catch them sharting either. They know when they've crapped themselves and they stand up, take responsibility, and change their drawers.
Thats how it used to be done and its time we started calling a spade a spade. Lets get one thing clear. If you have poop in your pants, you crapped your pants. Renaming our problems only postpones the inevitable and believe me, the longer you wait to deal with crap, the worse it smells.
When I was a kid, pooping your pants was an embarassing reminder that you were a dumbass. It built character! Today's parents want to protect their kids, they want to coddle them. "It's ok honey buns, you did't crap your self, it was just a little shart! My little cutie pooty can grow up to be anything he wants!" What load of shit.
By telling our kids that they can do no wrong, that their shit doesn't stink if you will, we have helped to create a generation that doesn't deal with reality. If there isn't enough money, we get another credit card or refinance. When we don't like the jobs that are availible we go on welfare. American's have gained a nasty habit of hiding from the crappy truth so they can hold onto an unsustainable standard of living. It stinks.
Hiding from our National debt by raising the debt ceiling or shuffling money around so we can afford a war in Libya is as stupid as pooping your pants and calling it a shart. You're full of crap whether you admit it or not.
You wouldn't catch a Vietnam vet or someone who lived through the great depression with huge credit card debt or forgetting to vote and you won't catch them sharting either. They know when they've crapped themselves and they stand up, take responsibility, and change their drawers.
Thats how it used to be done and its time we started calling a spade a spade. Lets get one thing clear. If you have poop in your pants, you crapped your pants. Renaming our problems only postpones the inevitable and believe me, the longer you wait to deal with crap, the worse it smells.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Adventure hurts
I've always been impressed by adventure movies. The idea that there is Indian gold buried out there, or Ghost towns, or secret Islands. When I was younger I really believed I could have those kinds of action packed trips full of danger and intrigue. Then, as I got older, I started to think I would have to wait for the right time, for everything to be perfect before I went on a real adventure.
But then I looked around and realized that nobody was having adventures. I read a few books about people, maybe a story on the internet. Going places no one had ever gone, making discoveries, stealing from Indians, it all started to seem unattainable. Thats when I got frustrated and said screw this, I'm moving into my truck.
Ever since then I've had some amazing adventures. Danger, intrigue, love, bears, oceans, waterfalls, abandoned gold mines, angry Asian waiters, tracking a human through the desert, pretty much everything except Indian gold. And they tell me the Indian Gold is protected by a curse, and a barb wire fence, so you pretty much have to just get lucky for that one anyway.
The key to starting all these adventures was not waiting for things to be perfect. You just have to do it asap because if you don't you will be dead before you get a chance. Thats the easy part. Don't wait until you have enough money, don't wait until your schedule clears up, don't wait until your health insurance kicks in. There won't be any rescue where your going anyway.
Before I became a full time adventurer, I wondered why most people never go for their dreams. It took me about five minutes of living in a truck to figure it out. Adventure hurts. Alot. You are going to be uncomfortable for the entire time. They always show Indian Jones ripping off some third world culture, but they never show the recovery time he needs after getting punched in the mouth.
Adventure means walking long distances with cactus spines stuck in your feet. The food isn't very good you can't sleep. You are going to worry and you will miss some bills because you had no internet. It sucks and it gets frustrating.
The physical pain and emotional stress of adventure is just too big of an obstacle for most people to overcome. But for some of us, having the bills paid and a steady paycheck won't cut it. You start to get an itch on the back of your head and you get uncomfortable being comfortable.
I'm hoping that my itch settles down pretty soon so I can start enjoying some stability. But for now I'm going to keep living on the run; if I don't, I won't be able to watch adventure movies when I'm older without crying.
But then I looked around and realized that nobody was having adventures. I read a few books about people, maybe a story on the internet. Going places no one had ever gone, making discoveries, stealing from Indians, it all started to seem unattainable. Thats when I got frustrated and said screw this, I'm moving into my truck.
Ever since then I've had some amazing adventures. Danger, intrigue, love, bears, oceans, waterfalls, abandoned gold mines, angry Asian waiters, tracking a human through the desert, pretty much everything except Indian gold. And they tell me the Indian Gold is protected by a curse, and a barb wire fence, so you pretty much have to just get lucky for that one anyway.
The key to starting all these adventures was not waiting for things to be perfect. You just have to do it asap because if you don't you will be dead before you get a chance. Thats the easy part. Don't wait until you have enough money, don't wait until your schedule clears up, don't wait until your health insurance kicks in. There won't be any rescue where your going anyway.
Before I became a full time adventurer, I wondered why most people never go for their dreams. It took me about five minutes of living in a truck to figure it out. Adventure hurts. Alot. You are going to be uncomfortable for the entire time. They always show Indian Jones ripping off some third world culture, but they never show the recovery time he needs after getting punched in the mouth.
Adventure means walking long distances with cactus spines stuck in your feet. The food isn't very good you can't sleep. You are going to worry and you will miss some bills because you had no internet. It sucks and it gets frustrating.
The physical pain and emotional stress of adventure is just too big of an obstacle for most people to overcome. But for some of us, having the bills paid and a steady paycheck won't cut it. You start to get an itch on the back of your head and you get uncomfortable being comfortable.
I'm hoping that my itch settles down pretty soon so I can start enjoying some stability. But for now I'm going to keep living on the run; if I don't, I won't be able to watch adventure movies when I'm older without crying.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
