A disturbing trend

I'd like to talk about a disturbing trend in environmental distruction that I witness everyday. It occurs in men's bathrooms. I must admit I am a big part of the problem but I want to know what I can do to become part of the solution.

What happens is this: Somebody, maybe even you, dribbles just a little bit on the floor in front of the urinal. No big deal you might think. Well what starts as a little dribble quickly becomes a cascading drench of piss all over the floor for yards behind the toilet. Heres how.

After that first dribble the next man comes to the toilet and, not wanting to step in the urine, stands a little further back. You can see where this is going. Standing back this next person almost always ends up dribbling themselves as they cut off the flow at the end of their piss. This dribble extends the first dribble away from the base of the toilet.

Now the third man faces an even longer dribble, and, as is natural, steps back even further to avoid stepping in piss. He then adds his own dribble to the first two dribbles and then extends the dribble outward. This trend will continue its expanse until by the end of the day people are trying to piss into a toilet that is 10, 20 feet away. Ive seen people standing outside of the bathroom with the door propped open trying to make it into the toilet.

You might be saying, man, thats ridiculous. It is but us men are trapped in an endless cycle of dribble extension that leads to ever expanding piss pools and the inevitable long shot from across the bathroom.

I hope this helps women to understand why most mens bathrooms are covered in piss. I'd love to hear your solutions to this disturbing trend.

A Boy And His Burrito

Once there was a boy named Andrew. He was a sad little boy because he liked to run and play and whistle but he had no one to run and play and whistle with. Then, one day when he was outside playing all alone he found a burrito.

Andrew said: "Hi my name is Andrew. Would you like to run and play and whistle with me?"

And the Burrito said "My name is The Burrito and I would love to play and run and whistle with you but I don't know how."

So Andrew taught The Burrito how to run and play and whistle many songs and he wasn't sad anymore. After a long day out side Andrew said to The Burrito "I am so glad I have someone to run and play and whistle with but now my hands are cold from being outside."

The Burrito thought about this for a moment then said "I know. Hold me in you hands for I am still warm from the oven."

So the boy held the Burrito close to his heart and his hands weren't cold anymore.

They watched the sunset and the boy was happy. But then he realized he was very hungry from all the whistling and running and playing. "What a fun day we had, but now I need something to eat," said Andrew.

Then The Burrito thought about this for along time. He thought and thought and thought. Finally he said "Burritos don't get hungry, but there is nothing better in the world for a hungry little boy than his burrito."

The boy looked at his Burrito and said "But if I eat you I who will I have to run and play and whistle with tomorrow?"

Then the Burrito smiled and said "I'll still be with you for every song you whistle and every time you run and whenever you play. I'll just be deep inside of you helping you to do all those things. You'll make new friends and your hands will get cold and sometimes you'll feel lonely and you might get hungry but you will always have the memory of me in your tummy to help you."

So the boy hugged his Burrito one last time and ate him. Now he wasn't hungry anymore. As he walked home he thought about what The Burrito had said and realized the true meaning of friendship. Having a friend doesn't mean you won't get hungry or cold or have to whistle and run and play alone sometimes. It means you will always have your friends in your stomach to help you through those tough times.

Yes, thought Andrew, there truly are no better friends than A boy and his burrito.

The End.

SSAD: A shopping story to scare the shit out of you

Just as a refresher for those of you who don't remember: SSAD is an acronym for Social Shopping Anxiety Disorder. I happen to suffer from this and so shopping for me is out of the question. Shopping is the act of going to a store when you don't need something to look at things you could buy. It also means going to a store to buy one thing, and then looking around at other things in case you decide you want to buy them. Needless to say I have never been shopping because it causes my SSAD to flare up un-contrallably. Plus shopping is a waste of time, I go buying when I need something, but needless to say I spend as little time in the store as possible and get out very fast after locating and buying only the things I need.

(On a side note a good way to accomplish this is to walk behind the counter or go into the employee only area, or pick up the in store phone, or try and use the cash register. When you do someone will come over and say "can I help you?" Then you give them the list of things you want, make them find it for you, and go to the checkout as quickly as possible. The only time anyone will come to help you on their own is when you look like you don't know what to buy. If you know what you want to buy but can't find it there is no reason to help you since you will only spend more time in the store looking for the item and in the process you might accidentally buy something else).

Anyway, so I never go shopping because I only buy what I need and I never go to a store like Urban Outfitters because they don't have anything anyone ever needs. But today I did go to urban outfitters, to shop, and this is the story of how I was forced into this situation and what happened.

My stupid work has secret santas and I have to participate. The SS (as I will refer to it) is dumb for many reasons but here is one: they cap the amount you can spend, thereby gaurunteeing you buy some piece of shit that no one wants and thereby perpetuating the market for shitty products that make shopping such a terrible ativity and is causing the number of people with SSAD to go way up.

So I got this guy I work with and I have to get him something. My first instinct was to give him 10$ (which is the most money we were allowed to spend) or 10$ worth of beer. But because my boss will be there I figured I might as well try to not look like an asshole (which as we will learn was my biggest mistake).

Not knowing what the fuck to buy for this boy (I know), I was left with no option but to go "shopping." The prospect of this was terrifying, especially because I have no idea where you even go to shop, and the only times I have ever been shopping was when my mom made me (she let me hold a dinosaur but not buy it) and with a hot girl (she let me hold her but not date her). So basically I knew it would be aweful but after going to the bank to take out 10$ I said a prayer and headed to Urban Outfitters.

I chose UO because it was next to the burrito store, my favorite. So upon entering the first store I went to the first display and picked up the first book on the stand. I thought to my self, it smells like shit in here, but at least I got something quick and now I can get out of here.

I made my way to the checkout and it looked like my luck was going to hold. There was no line. I went up to the lady and she looked at me and said "I can't check you out, I'm just here to fix the register. I knew this was going to happen.

So I got in line at the next register behind some girl who looked like she loved shopping and clearing her throat all the time in movie theaters. She was asking lots of dumb questions. The music in that place was really starting to get to me. Its like when Superman is in the room with krypontite. If he could just crawl out he would be fine! But he just doesn't. have. the . strength. ah.

So then there was a problem with her credit card and I thought about just leaving but then it would have all been for nothing. Finally she left and it was my turn. The book actually cost 14$ which was above the limit but at the point I would have rather been in prison so I just handed over the cash. Then it was time for questions.

"Did you find everything ok today?" Yes, it was like when that girl found the key in her friends stomach in Saw. "Would you like a bag?" No, I want to leave. "Would you like a reciept?" No, I want to punch you in the mouth and move to montana. "How about signing up for our email list to receive special offers and promotions?" How about I hold this place hostage and then when they meet my demands of 10 pounds of bacon and 10 gallons of whiskey I blow it up anyway? "Have a nice day!" Have a nice time putting urban outfitters on your resume.

What a stupid name for a store anyway. No one goes in there to get outfitted for an expedition to explore Chicago. They go in there because they think shopping will make them happy since they have no other purpose in life other than to buy a cute new hat and a funny book for their friends to read while they pretend to pee at their party but actually clog the toilet.

So I had bought my book but as I turned around I realized that the store was designed like a crab trap. It was easy to get in but hard to get out. Some worker walked up behind me with pierced ears and a polo. It was looking bad. As I ran around the displays trying to find a way out that wouldn't force me to talk to anyone or look at shot glasses that say things like "One tequila, 2 taquila, I'm actually faking it so I have an excuse to be a whore.

Just when the kryponitic combination of bad music smells and arkatectur designed to make you buy things was about to overwhelm me, I burst through the doors and into the light.

It took me a few minutes to calm down and I'm still not sure if I'll ever be the same. But one of the best ways to cope with this stress is to share my story. So if there are other SSAD sufferers out there I encourage you to share your experiances and know you are not alone. The anger and betrayal you feel are natural. There is nothing wrong with having SSAD, someday society will learn. Until then we have to stick together.

Life Plan as of 2009

I'm currently saving all my change and when I graduate I'm going to use it to use it to buy a nice wooden box. I'll fill it with whisky and cigars and that thick steak kind of beef jerky (but I'll keep the whisky in bottles). Then I'm going to load the box into my truck at hit the road to seek a position as a fisherman.

If I can I will buy an English Mastiff. After a year or two of fishing I will head west and buy some land. Then I will be about 24 and I will begin work as a wilderness therapist.

I will spend my days off building a log cabin and hopefully my friends will help with a barn raising. Please remember to show up for this, we will need all the help we can get. I will be about 27 at this point.

About here you will probably come for a visit and say "what happened to you Andrew, you used to be so (insert whatever you think of me now)." I'll laugh and offer you some whisky and jerky and you'll probably remark on the expert craftsmanship of my cabin. Thanks I'll say, it was built with Zombie defense in mind.

Then I'll go back to graduate school for something that seems stupid, like Judo, or life enjoyment counseling, but by the time I'm 32 it will seem like a great move.

I'm leaving some of the time after that open. Most of my friends will be married and have car loans and stuff but they don't realize that whisky, cigars, and beef jerky really are not that expensive so you don't need a big income.

I'd like to meet some women along the way, a wife at some point. It would be good if she was a practical joker and knew how to make cornbread and steak. Also she would have to get along with Milo, I forgot to mention that thats my dogs name. Also if you could teach me to dance that would be great. It would also help if she was attractive and aged well, like whisky or beef jerky. I also like back scratches. I don't really bring much to the table but I promise I won't get fat. See above for what life with me will be like.

If I had to guess what my 40's will be like I will be raising some kids, all expert Jui Jitzu fighters and Tuba players. If society has collapsed you can find me on my western land living off of home made jerky and whisky, but my kids won't have whisky until they turn 14 and become adults by killing their first deer.

My wife and I will be working on some project together, maybe a bar where you get bacon and apple beer. At about 47 I'll start a factory that produces good ideas, I'll be hiring all my friends and the great people I met along the way to work on the assembly line. I'll even let you drink at work.

That still leaves 50-100, and I think I will live along time. So that period will be spent re-building society and writing funny stories. My wife and I will go down fighting aliens and our kids will become heros for infecting the bastards with canceraids. So ya, thats me in a nutshell.

If you have any ideas for filling that up or it sounds fun your welcome to come. Wifes especially.