Be open minded (to everything I want you to think)

People are always telling people to be open minded. Try new things, listen to new ideas, don't close your self off to other ways of thinking. I hate those people. They never stop to think that being open minded is just one way of living; when your open minded, you close yourself off to all the closed minded ways to live life.

For example.

Who do we think of when we think of a closed minded person? Usually a KKK member (or a Republican). So what do we do about this closed minded KKK person? We say, geez, she needs to be more open minded. If she were more open minded, she would be just like me, and she would stop being such an ignorant pig.

We do the same thing to anyone who's not as open minded as us; or in other words, to people who are different from us. But did you ever stop to consider the position of the KKK member? Why should she have to be open minded? Why aren't you considering opening up to her way of thinking?

Here's the answer. The answer is that no one is open minded, they just think people need to think and act like them. People who don't think like us are closed minded, and people who do think like us need to be open minded unless it means thinking like someone else. If that KKK member where open minded, he would see that I'm right, and he would start thinking like me.

Being open minded is only good if the ideas, values, beliefs, and actions you take can be improved. This means that we have to make judgment calls about the things we are open to. Should we be open minded to Naxism? No. Why not? Because it would be a step backwards- opening up to that set of ideas would be worse because the way we do things now is better.

The next time someone tells you to consider another idea, realize that they are really just suggesting that your way of doing things isn't good enough, or at least that it could be improved upon.

But people are uncomfortable telling others that one set of values, ideas, cultures, and ways of doing things, are better than another. So instead they tell you to be open minded. They say things like “We have to understand and be open- how do we know if we're right and their wrong? Whose to say what is better or what is worse?” I would love to punch those people in the face and say, “Whose to say whether punching someone in the face is right or wrong?”

Clearly the KKK, Nazism, Blood Letting, and Turkey Bacon are wrong. But if we are totally open minded we can't make that judgment call. Only a closed minded person has the authority to tell that KKK member that he is wrong because only closed minded people believe that they are right.

Which brings us to the point. If you really believe that you do things in a good way, that your values and beliefs and actions are strong and just, then you have no reason to be open minded. Being closed minded, for people who see themselves as right, just, or correct, is the best approach to life. Only people who don't believe there is a better way to live, or people who believe they are living poorly, have a reason to be open minded.

Now some Jack Rabbits will say my argument is weak. They will say, “We are open minded so we can sift through the bad ideas and the good ideas- we have to be open to the fact that there might be better ideas out there.” Sure. But when you find a good idea, say, not hitting people in the face, you need to stop being open minded. Being open minded is only good for bad ideas.

The danger is that a person might be mistaken in one of their values, actions, or beliefs, and, by closing their minds about a certain subject, live their lives in a shitty way. When someone tells you to be more open minded, they are really just telling you that you are wrong, and you should open up to seeing it their way. If they agreed with you they would never tell you that you had made a mistake.

And now you can see why I hate people who tell you to be open minded. “Be open minded” is just a nice fake way to say “You are wrong, I am right, come around and see it my way.” What a load of shit. Try being closed minded for a while and you will see that people who want you to be open minded are more closed minded than you are. Those people are either to cowardly to stand behind their values or they are lairs who mask their attempts at manipulation with a sugar coating of open mindedness.

The next time someone tells you to be open minded ask them if you should be open minded to heroin, Nazism, or punching people in the face. They will say no. Then you will realize that they only want you to be open minded to certain things, things that they think are better than other things. Do you trust other people to decide what is good or bad for you?

The Junk Hug: One Man's response to the boob hug

Most of my readers will fall into one of two categories: man and women. The rest of you will fall somewhere in between. For the men out there, it is highly likely that you have been the recipient of a boob hug. This wonderful creation occurs when a man and a women embrace. Unlike a normal hug between a man and women, in the boob hug, the woman presses her milk makers firmly, and lovingly, onto the man. It really is a wonderful experience.

Now the women are probably going, who, me? I never give boob hugs, my boobs might bump into a guy when I hug him, but there is no firm pressing going on. Wrong. You know exactly what you are doing. The boob hug goes so far beyond the normal hug as to become manipulative: when men receive them, we melt like butter between the ass cheeks of a fat chick.

So you can see that one sex, the female, has this distinct advantage over the other, the male. Its like a Jedi mind trick- you get a boob hug, then 10 minutes later you are picking up some chicks dry cleaning and you don't even know why.

I don't want to sound like I'm complaining, on a certain level I would eat off brand bacon for the rest of the year for a boob hug, it's that amazing. I just want to inform both sexes so that boob huggery is brought into the open. Men, know that women have another path to your heart: through the chest. And Women, know that your boob hugs are appreciated, keep them coming. In fact, consider giving out boob hugs for free, with no thought of reward. I think you could write it off on your taxes.

But here is the part I don't know anything about. Do girls give boob hugs to each other? I'm not even sure I can comprehend how that would work. I might as well ask why the sky is blue, or where bacon comes from. I can only speculate that giving a boob hug, while receiving a boob hug, is the highest level of achievement a woman can reach.

When I first started thinking about the boob hug, I did a little soul searching. I came to the conclusion that maybe I could attempt the male version of the boob hug. Last weekend I tried my very first junk hug, I could spend hours painting the picture with flowing and elegant imagery, but I think you can picture it in your mind.

The first attempt was a failure, I would not recommend the man on man junk hug. My second attempt was also a failure, I would not recommend the man on woman junk hug. For some reason millions of women can get away with the boob hug everyday, whereas I try and press my genitals onto one unsuspecting female and I'm a monster.

But I did have one bit of success with my foray into the male equivalent of the junk hug. To perform the junk hug you kind of have to lean back, whereas to perform the boob hug, you kind of have to lean in. I gave the junk hug to a girl attempting to give the boob hug and the resulting hug was so preposterous that I think it opened the womans eyes to what she was doing. Her eyes got wide, and I gave her a grin and a knowing nod. Minds were blown.

If I can change just one life with my junk hug, I know I've made a difference.

DD

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